How about a HUMOR/LAUGHTER/JOKE gallery?? Post 'em here

[1jt]

Belly drop

Car 21


Videos Try it

[fepony]

Fat chick is disgusting...the other one is cool.

[bgstew6]

Who says cops don't have a sense of humor? The following were taken off of actual police car videos around the country..



"Relax, the handcuffs are tight because they're new. They'll stretch out after you wear them awhile."

"Take your hands off the car, and I'll make your birth certificate a worthless document."

"If you run, you'll only go to jail tired."

"Can you run faster than 1,200 feet per second? In case you didn't know, that is the average speed of a 9 mm bullet fired from my gun."

"So you don't know how fast you were going. I guess that means I can write anything I want on the ticket, huh?"

"Yes, Sir, you can talk to the shift supervisor, but I don't think it will help. Oh .. did I mention that I am the shift supervisor?"

"Warning! You want a warning? O.K., I'm warning you not to do that again or I'll give you another ticket."

"The answer to this last question will determine whether you are drunk or not. Was Mickey Mouse a cat or a dog?"

"Fair? You want me to be fair? Listen, fair is a place where you go to ride on rides, eat cotton candy, and step in monkey poop."

"Yeah, we have a quota. Two more tickets and my wife gets a toaster oven."

"In God we trust, all others we run through NCIC."

"Just how big were those two beers?"

"No sir we don't have quotas anymore. We used to have a quotas but now we're allowed to write as many tickets as we want."

"I'm glad to hear the Chief of Police is a good personal friend of yours. At least you know someone who can post your bail."

"You didn't think we give pretty women tickets? You're right, we don't. Sign here."

[Dbl G]

touche.

[03 HAWG]

One day at school, the science teacher decided that she would teach about the elements. So she stood in the front of the class and said, "Children, if you could have one raw element in the world, what would it be?"
Little Stevie raised his hand and said, "I would want gold, because gold is worth a lot of money and I could buy a Porsche."

The teacher nodded and called on little Susie.

Little Susie said, "I would want platinum, because platinum is worth more than gold and I could buy a Corvette."

The teacher smiled and then called on Little Johnny. Little Johnny stood up and said, "I would want silicon."

The teacher said, "Why Johnny?"

He responded by saying, "Because my mom has two bags of it and you should see all the sports cars outside our house!"

[Dbl G]

[dermaestro]

A bus carrying only ugly people crashes into an oncoming truck and everyone inside dies. When they get to meet their maker, because of the grief they have experienced, He decides to grant them one wish each before they enter Heaven.

They're all lined up, and God asks the first one what their wish is.



"I want to be gorgeous." So God snaps His fingers, and it is done.



The second one in line hears this and says,"I want to be gorgeous too." Another snap of His fingers and the wish is granted.



This goes on for a while with each one asking to be gorgeous but when God is halfway down the line, the last guy in the line starts laughing.

When there are only ten people left, this guy is rolling on the floor, laughing his head off.



Finally, God reaches this last guy and asks him what his wish will be. The guy eventually calms down and says:

"Make 'em all ugly again."

[dermaestro]

A man staggers into an emergency room with a
concussion, multiple bruises, two black eyes,
and a five iron wrapped tightly around his throat.
Naturally, the doctor asks him what happened.

"Well, it was like this," said the man.
"I was having a quiet round of golf with my wife,
when at a difficult hole, we both
sliced our balls into a pasture of cows."
"We went to look for them and while I was
rooting around, I noticed one of the cows
had something white at its rear end."
"I walked over and lifted up the tail,
and sure enough, there was the golf ball with
my wife's monogram on it... stuck right in
the middle of the cow's butt.
That's when I made my mistake."

"What did you do?" asks the doctor.
"Well, I lifted the tail and yelled
to my wife, Hey, this looks like yours!"

[Dbl G]

Leroy and the Gator

A filthy rich North Carolina man decided that he wanted to throw a party and invited all of his buddies and neighbors. He also invited Leroy, the only redneck in the neighborhood.

He held the party around the pool in the backyard of his mansion. Leroy was having a good time drinking, dancing, eating shrimp, oysters and BBQ and flirting with all the women.

At the height of the party, the host said, "I have a 10ft man-eating gator in my pool and I'll give a million dollars to anyone who has the nerve to jump in."

The words were barely out of his mouth when there was a loud splash and everyone turned around and saw Leroy in the pool!

Leroy was fighting the gator and kicking its ***! Leroy was jabbing the gator in the eyes with his thumbs, throwing punches, head butts and choke holds, biting the gator on the tail and flipping the gator through the air like some kind of Judo Instructor.

The water was churning and splashing everywhere. Both Leroy and the gator were screaming and raising hell. Finally Leroy strangled the gator and let it float to the top like a dime store goldfish. Leroy then slowly climbed out of the pool. Everybody was just staring at him in disbelief.

Finally the host says, "Well, Leroy, I reckon I owe you a million dollars."

"No, that's okay. I don't want it," said Leroy.

The rich man said, "Man, I have to give you something. You won the bet. How about half a million bucks then?"

"No thanks. I don't want it," answered Leroy.

The host said, "Come on, I insist on giving you something. That was amazing. How about a new Porsche and a Rolex and some stock options?"

Again Leroy said no.

Confused, the rich man asked, "Well, Leroy, then what do you want?"

[Towcrazy]

--------------------------------------------------------------------------------

A man walks into a drugstore and asks the pharmacist for a pack of condoms. Paying for them, he bursts into laughter and walks out of the store. The next day he comes in again, again buys condoms, and again walks out laughing. Thinking this is somewhat strange, the pharmacist asks his assistant to follow the man if he comes back. Sure enough, the man comes in the next day and walks out laughing. This time the assistant goes after him, returning 20 minutes later.

"So did you follow him?" asks the pharmacist.


"Yup."


"Where did he go?"


"Your house."

[03 HAWG]

A Russian is strolling down the street in Moscow and kicks a bottle that's lying in the street. Suddenly, out of the bottle comes a genie.
The Russian is stunned and the Genie says, "Hello Master, I will grant you one wish, anything you want."

The Russian begins thinking, "Well, I really like drinking vodka." Finally the Russian says, "I wish to drink vodka whenever I want, so make me pee vodka."

The Genie grants him his wish. When the Russian gets home, he gets a glass out of the cupboard and urinates into it. He looks at the glass and it's clear -- it looks like vodka. Then he smells the liquid - it smells like vodka. So he tastes it and it is the best vodka that he has ever tasted.

The Russian yells to his wife, "Natasha, Natasha, come quickly." She comes running down the hall, so the Russian takes another glass out of the cupboard and pisses into it. He tells her to drink and that it is vodka. Natasha is reluctant, but goes ahead and takes a sip. It is the best vodka that she has ever tasted. The two drink and party all night.

The next night, the Russian comes home from work and tells his wife to get two glasses out of the cupboard. He proceeds to pee into the two glasses. The result is the same; the vodka is excellent and they drink until the sun comes up.

Finally, Friday night comes and the Russian tells his wife to grab one glass from the cupboard and that they will drink vodka. She gets the glass, but asks him why they only need one glass.

Boris raises the glass and says, "Because tonight my love, you drink from the bottle."

[dermaestro]

A man walks up to a woman in his office each day, stands very close to her,
draws in a large breath of air and tells her that her hair smells nice.
After a week of this, she can't stand it any longer, and goes to Human
Resources. Without identifying the guy, she tells them what the coworker
does, and that she wants to file a sexual harassment suit against him.

The HR supervisor is puzzled by this approach, and asks, "What is sexually
threatening or harassing about a coworker telling you your hair smells nice?

The woman replies, "It's Keith...... The midget."

[dermaestro]

Saul is working in his store when he hears a booming voice from above: "Saul, sell your business." He ignores it. It goes on for days. "Saul, sell your business for $3 million." After weeks of this, he relents, sells his store. The voice says ‘Saul, go to Las Vegas." He asks why. "Saul, take the $3 million to Las Vegas." He obeys, goes to a casino. Voice says, "Saul , go to the blackjack table and put it down all on one hand." He hesitates but knows he must. He’s dealt an 18. The dealer has a six showing. "Saul, take a card." What? The dealer has -- "Take a card!" He tells the dealer to hit him. Saul gets an ace. Nineteen. He breathes easy. "Saul, take another card." What? "TAKE ANOTHER CARD!" He asks for another card. It’s another ace. He has twenty. "Saul, take another card," the voice commands. I have twenty! Saul shouts. "TAKE ANOTHER CARD!!" booms the voice. Hit me,Saul says. He gets another ace. Twenty one. The booming voice goes: "un-f******-believable!"

[dermaestro]

A man came home from work, sat down in his favorite chair, turned on the TV, and said to his wife, "Quick, bring me a beer before it starts."

She looked a little puzzled, but brought him a beer.

When he finished it, he said, "Quick, bring me another beer. It's gonna start."

This time she looked a little angry, but brought him a beer. When it was gone, he said, "Quick, another beer before it starts."

"That's it!" She blows her top, "You bastard! You waltz in here, flop your fat *** down, don't even say hello to me and then expect me to run around like your slave. Don't you realize that I cook and clean and wash and iron all day long?"

The husband sighed. "Oh damn, it's started."

[Dan_d_glassman]

HA! HA!

Now that was funny! I bet that only works once unless your married to a blonde.