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Thread: How about a HUMOR/LAUGHTER/JOKE gallery?? Post 'em here

  1. #166
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    A husband and wife decided they needed to use "code" words to indicate that they wanted to have sex without letting their children in on it. They decided on the word "Typewriter."
    One day the husband told his five year old daughter, "Go tell your mommy that daddy needs to type a letter."
    The child told her mother what her dad said, and her mom responded, "Tell your daddy that he can't type a letter right now cause there is a red ribbon in the typewriter." The child went back to tell her father what mommy said.
    A few days later the mom told the daughter, "Tell daddy that he can type that letter now."
    The child told her father, returned to her mother and announced, "Daddy said never mind with the typewriter, he already wrote the letter by hand."
    Black 03' #00917

  2. #167
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    A company, feeling it was time for a shake-up, hires a new CEO. This new boss is determined to rid the company of all slackers. On a tour of the facilities, the CEO notices a guy leaning on a wall. The room is full of workers and he wants to let them know he means business! The CEO walks up to the guy and asks, "And how much money do you make a week?"

    A little surprised, the young fellow looks at him and replies, "I make $300.00 a week. Why?" The CEO then hands the guy $1,200 in cash and screams, "Here's four weeks pay, now GET OUT and don't come back!"

    Feeling pretty good about his first firing, the CEO looks around the room and asks, "Does anyone want to tell me what that goof-off did here?" With a sheepish grin, one of the other workers mutters, "Pizza delivery guy from Domino's.


  3. #168
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    Green Side up

    There was a woman who wanted to repaint her house, so she called the contractor and set up an appointment to meet with him.
    When the contractor came to her house, they did a walk-through and he asked her what colors she would like. They arrived to the living room and she told him that she would like a nice, warm color. The contractor wrote something down on his pad, then walked to the window and yelled, "Green side up."

    The lady was a little confused, but didn't say anything, and they continued on to the dining room, where she told him, "I would like a nice, warm white in here, nothing stark." The contractor wrote something down on his pad, and then walked to the window and again yelled, "Green side up!"

    The lady was really confused at this point but still didn't say anything. They continued on to her bedroom and she said, "I would like a nice, cool, relaxing blue in here." The contractor wrote something on his pad and again walked to the window and yelled, "Green side up!"

    The woman was now totally perplexed and said to the contractor, "Three times I have told you what color I want, and you write something on your pad, then you walk to the window, and yell green side up. What is going on?"

    The contractor replied, "You see, I have four blondes laying grass across the street."

  4. #169
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    Subject: Dont argue with a woman


    One morning the husband returns after several hours of fishing and decides to take a nap. Although not familiar with the lake, the wife decides to take the boat out. She motors out a short distance, anchors, and reads her book. Along comes a game warden in his boat.

    He pulls up alongside the woman and says, "Good morning Ma'am. What are you doing?" "Reading a book" she replies, (thinking, "isn't that obvious?") "You're in a restricted fishing area", he informs her, "I'm sorry officer, but I'm not fishing, I'm reading." "Yes, but you have all the equipment. For all I know you could start at any moment. I'll have to take you in and write you up."

    "If you do that, I'll have to charge you with sexual assault." says the woman. "But I haven't even touched you," says the game warden. "That's true, but you have all the equipment. For all I know you could start at any moment." "Have a nice day Ma'am", and he left.



    MORAL: Never argue with a woman who reads. It's likely she can also think.
    IN MEMORY OF
    Blake (Fuzion) Finnel 12-3-1986 - 08-11-2007
    NHTOC #120

  5. #170
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    Deaf Sex

    Two deaf people get married. During the first week of marriage, they find that they are unable to communicate in the bedroom when they turn off the lights (because they can't see each other using sign language).
    After several nights of fumbling around and misunderstandings, the wife proposes a solution.

    "Honey," she signs, "Why don't we agree on some simple signals? For instance, at night, if you want to have sex with me, reach over and squeeze my left breast one time. If you don't want to have sex, reach over and squeeze my right breast one time."

    The husband thinks this is a great idea and signs back to his wife, "Great idea! Now if you want to have sex with me, reach over and pull on my penis one time, and if you don't want to have sex, reach over and pull on my penis... 50 times!"

  6. #171
    *SOLD - but not forgotten
    Name: Chuck NHTOC #291

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    Lil Johnny Strikes Again


    During a good manners and etiquette class, the teacher says to her students:
    "If you were courting a well educated young girl from a prominent family and during a dinner for two you needed to go to the toilet, what would you say to her?"

    Mike replies "Wait a minute, I'm going for a pee"

    The teacher says : "That would be very rude and improper on your part."

    Charlie replies: "I'm sorry I need to go to the toilet, I'll be back in a minute."

    The teacher says : "That's much better but to mention the word ''toilet'' during a meal, is unpleasant."

    And Johnny says: "My dear, please excuse me for a moment. I have to go shake hands with a personal friend, whom, I hope, to be able to introduce you to after dinner. "

    The teacher passed out..


    **************************************************
    Euro-English"
    >
    >
    >
    > The European Commission has just announced an agreement whereby English
    > will be the official language of the European Union rather than German,
    > which was the other possibility.
    >
    > As part of the negotiations, the British Government conceded that English
    > spelling had some room for improvement and has accepted a 5- year phase-in
    > plan that would become known as "Euro-English".
    >
    >
    >
    > In the first year, "s" will replace the soft "c". Sertainly, this will
    > make the sivil servants jump with joy.
    >
    > The hard "c" will be dropped in favour of "k". This should klear up
    > konfusion, and keyboards kan have one less letter.
    >
    >
    >
    > There will be growing publik enthusiasm in the sekond year when the
    > troublesome "ph" will be replaced with "f". This will make words like
    > fotograf 20% shorter.
    >
    > In the 3rd year, publik akseptanse of the new spelling kan be expekted to
    > reach the stage where more komplikated changes are possible.
    >
    > Governments will enkourage the removal of double letters which have always
    > ben a deterent to akurate speling.
    >
    > Also, al wil agre that the horibl mes of the silent "e" in the languag is
    > disgrasful and it should go away.
    >
    >
    >
    > By the 4th yer people wil be reseptiv to steps such as replasing "th" with
    > "z" and "w" with "v".
    >
    > During ze fifz yer, ze unesesary "o" kan be dropd from vords kontaining
    > "ou" and after ziz fifz yer, ve vil hav a reil sensibl riten styl.
    >
    >
    >
    > Zer vil be no mor trubl or difikultis and evrivun vil find it ezi tu
    > understand ech oza. Ze drem of a united urop vil finali kum tru.
    >
    > Und efter ze fifz yer, ve vil al be speking German like zey vunted in ze
    > forst plas.
    >
    ************************************************** **

    >
    > men never listen....
    >
    >
    > The couple had been debating the purchase of a new car for weeks; the
    problem
    > was that he wanted a new truck, but she wanted a fast little sports-like car
    so
    > she could zip through traffic around town. He would probably settled on a
    beat
    > up old truck, but everything she seemed to like was way out of their price
    > range. "Look!," she said, "I want something that goes from 0 to 200 in four
    > seconds or less, and my birthday is coming up - you can surprise me."
    >
    > For her birthday, he bought her a brand new bathroom scale.
    >
    > Services are pending.
    >
    >
    > If at first you don't succeed, do it like your wife told you to.
    >
    Last edited by cayman150; 07-13-2005 at 06:50 PM.

    Mods=L&S Oil Sep, Blackwood trim & mirror caps, Navi ant' base, E-brake pedal, CAI, C&L Intake & Plenum, 95mm MAF tube, SBTB, 170 T-Stat, Predator+RWTD custom tune, 8# lower, PG Ti900.7 amp, JLA XR570-CXi & Stealthbox, FTVB, Finned Trans Pan, Line of Fire LED, J-Jent Grille, RotorPro Dimpled & Slotted rotors, LED taillights, chrome door strikes, billet locks & coat hangers, ChickenEars Engine Billet package #1&2+door sills, Metco billet aux idler bracket & pulleys, LFP E-Fan, Xenarc HID heads, clear corners, Roush HID fogs, Bedrug, L' 3rd, Kenwood DDX-7017 DVD+TV+Sirrius+RevCam, Lotek dual pillar pod with AutoMeter boost gauge & DynoJet WBC, fog switch mod, UPR billet window switches and door locks, FAST overlays, LFP 58" bars, Hotchkis TVS, Bilsteins, DblG Panhard, Cervinis Cobra R hood, BFG T/A KDW 2 tires, Hawk Ceramic pads, MGP caliper covers.

  7. #172
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    What do you tell a woman with two black eyes? Nothing, shes been told twice already

  8. #173
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    A friend sent me this....

    WOULDN'T IT BE GREAT TO TURN ON THE TV AND HEAR ANY U.S. PRESIDENT, DEMOCRAT OR REPUBLICAN, GIVE THE FOLLOWING SPEECH?


    My Fellow Americans: As you all know, the defeat of Iraq regime has been completed.

    Since congress does not want to spend any more money on this war, our mission in Iraq is complete.

    This morning I gave the order for a complete removal of all American forces from Iraq. This action will be complete within 30 days. It is now time to begin the reckoning.


    Before me, I have two lists. One list contains the names of countries which have stood by our side during the Iraq conflict. This list is short. The United Kingdom, Spain, Bulgaria, Australia, and Poland are some of the countries listed there.

    The other list contains everyone not on the first list. Most of the world's nations are on that list. My press secretary will be distributing copies of both lists later this evening.

    Let me start by saying that effective immediately, foreign aid to those nations on List 2 ceases immediately and indefinitely. The money saved during the first year alone will pretty much pay for the costs of the Iraqi war.

    The American people are no longer going to pour money into third world Hell-holes and watch those government leaders grow fat on corruption.

    Need help with a famine? Wrestling with an epidemic? Call France.

    In the future, together with Congress, I will work to redirect this money toward solving the vexing social problems we still have at home. On that note, a word to terrorist organizations. Screw with us and we will hunt you down and eliminate you and all your friends from the face of the earth.


    Thirsting for a gutsy country to terrorize? Try France, or maybe China.

    I am ordering the immediate severing of diplomatic relations with France, Germany, and Russia. Thanks for all your help, comrades. We are retiring from NATO as well. Bon chance, mes amis.


    I have instructed the Mayor of New York City to begin towing the many UN diplomatic vehicles located in Manhattan with more than two unpaid parking tickets to sites where those vehicles will be stripped, shredded and crushed. I don't care about whatever treaty pertains to this. You creeps have tens of thousands of unpaid tickets. Pay those tickets tomorrow or watch your precious Benzes, Beamers and limos be turned over to some of the finest chop shops in the world. I love New York

    A special note to our neighbors. Canada is on List 2. Since we are likely to be seeing a lot more of each other, you folks might want to try not pissing us off for a change.

    Mexico is also on List 2. President Fox and his entire corrupt government really need an attitude adjustment. I will have a couple extra tank and infantry divisions sitting around. Guess where I am going to put them? Yep, border security.


    Oh, by the way, the United States is abrogating the NAFTA treaty - starting now.

    We are tired of the one-way highway. Immediately, we'll be drilling for oil in Alaska - which will take care of this country's oil needs for decades to come. If you're an environ******ist who opposes this decision, I refer you to List 2 above: pick a country and move there. They care.

    It is time for America to focus on its own welfare and its own citizens. Some will accuse us of isolationism. I answer them by saying, "darn tootin."

    Nearly a century of trying to help folks live a decent life around the world has only earned us the undying enmity of just about everyone on the planet. It is time to eliminate hunger in America. It is time to eliminate homelessness in America. To the nations on List 1, a final thought. Thank you guys. We owe you and we won't forget.


    To the nations on List 2, a final thought: You might want to learn to speak Arabic.

    God bless America. Thank you and good night.

    If you can read this, thank a teacher. If you are reading it in English, thank a soldier.

  9. #174
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    A lady walks into a drug store and tells the pharmacist she needs some cyanide.

    The pharmacist said, "Why in the world do you need cyanide?"

    The lady then explained she needed it to poison her husband.

    The pharmacist's eyes got big and he said, "Lord have mercy, I can't give you cyanide to kill your husband! That's against the law! I'll lose my license! They’ll throw both of us in jail and all kinds if bad things will happen! Absolutely not! You can NOT have any cyanide!"

    Then the lady reached into her purse and pulled out a picture of her husband in bed with the pharmacist's wife.

    The pharmacist looks at the picture and replied, "Well now, you didn't tell me you had a prescription."

  10. #175
    Lappy 486!
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    Here's a truly heartwarming story about the bond formed between a little
    girl and some construction workers that makes you believe that we can make a
    difference when we give a child the gift of our time...

    A young family moved into a house, next door to a vacant lot. One day a
    construction crew turned up to start building a house on the empty lot.

    The young family's 5-year-old daughter naturally took an interest in all the
    activity going on next-door and spent much of each day observing the
    workers. Eventually the construction crew, all of them gems-in-the-rough, more or
    less adopted her as a kind of project mascot. They chatted with her, let her
    sit with them while they had coffee and lunch breaks, and gave her little jobs
    to do here and there to make her feel important.

    At the end of the first week they even presented her with a pay envelope
    containing a couple of dollars. The little girl took this home to her mother who
    said all the appropriate words of admiration and suggested that they take
    the two-dollar "pay" she had received to the bank the next day to start a
    savings account.

    When they got to the bank, the teller was equally impressed and asked the
    little girl how she had come by her very own paycheck at such a young age. The
    little girl proudly replied, "I worked last week with the crew building the
    house next door to us."

    "My goodness gracious," said the teller, "and will you be working on the
    house again this week, too?"

    The little girl replied, "I will if those *** holes at Home Depot ever
    deliver the f---ing sheet rock..."

  11. #176
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    l.o.l.

  12. #177
    *SOLD - but not forgotten
    Name: Chuck NHTOC #291

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    Monkey & the Leopard

    A wealthy old lady decides to go on a photo safari
    in Africa, taking her
    faithful aged poodle named Cuddles, along for the
    company. One day the
    poodle starts chasing butterflies and before long,
    Cuddles discovers that
    she's lost. Wandering about, she notices a leopard
    heading rapidly in her
    direction with the intention of having lunch.

    The old poodle thinks, "Oh, oh! I'm in deep qzyt
    now!" Noticing some bones
    on the ground close by, she immediately settles down
    to chew on the bones
    with her back to the approaching cat. Just as the
    leopard is about to
    leap, the old poodle exclaims loudly, "Boy, that was
    one delicious
    leopard! I wonder if there are any more around
    here?" Hearing this, the
    young leopard
    halts his attack in mid-strike, a look of terror
    comes over him and he
    slinks away into the trees. "Whew!", says the
    leopard, "That was close!
    That old poodle nearly had me!"

    Meanwhile, a monkey who had been watching the whole
    scene from a nearby
    tree, figures he can put this knowledge to good use
    and trade it for
    protection from the leopard. So off he goes, but the
    old poodle sees him
    heading after the leopard with great speed, and
    figures that something
    must be up. The monkey soon catches up with the
    leopard, spills the beans
    and strikes a deal for himself with the leopard. The
    young leopard is
    furious at being made a fool of and says, "Here,
    monkey, hop on my back and
    see what's going to happen to that conniving
    canine!"

    Now, the old poodle sees the leopard coming with the
    monkey on his back
    and thinks, "What am I going to do now?", but
    instead of running, the dog
    sits down with her back to her attackers, pretending
    she hasn't seen them
    yet, and just when they get close enough to hear,
    the old poodle says:
    "Where's that damned monkey? I sent him off an hour
    ago to bring me
    another leopard!"

    Moral of this story..

    Don't mess with old farts...age and treachery will
    always overcome youth and skill!
    Bullqzyt and brilliance only come with
    age and experience!

  13. #178
    *SOLD - but not forgotten
    Name: Chuck NHTOC #291

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    Computer Conception

    SON SAYS: Daddy, how was I born?

    DAD SAYS: Ah, my son, I guess one day you will need to find out anyway!

    Well, you see your Mom and I first got together in a chat room on MSN. Then I set up a date via e-mail with your Mom and we met at a cyber-cafe. We sneaked into a secluded room, where your mother agreed to a download from my hard drive. As soon as I was ready to upload, we discovered that neither one of us had used a firewall, and since it was too late to hit the delete button, nine months later a blessed little Pop-up appeared and said: "You've Got Male"

  14. #179
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    A pirate walks into a bar with his ship's steering wheel in his pants. The bartender goes.."Hey pirate! You've got a steering wheel in your pants."

    The pirate replys..."Aaarrrrrrggggggghhhhh, It's driving me nuts!"

  15. #180
    ResFirma Mitescere Nescit
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    A Texas Chili Contest - If you can read this whole story without laughing
    > >then there's no hope for you. I was crying by the end.
    > >
    > >Note: Please take time to read this slowly. If you pay attention to the
    > >first two judges, the reaction of the third judge is even better.
    > >
    > >For those of you who have lived in Texas, you know how true this is.
    > >They actually have a Chili Cook-off about the time Halloween comes around.
    > >It takes up a major portion of a parking lot at the San Antonio
    > >City Park.
    > >
    > >The notes are from an inexperienced Chili taster named Frank, who was
    > >visiting from Springfield, IL.
    > >
    > >Frank: "Recently, I was honored to be selected as a judge at a chili
    > >cook-off. The original person called in sick at the last moment and I
    > >happened to be standing there at the judge's table asking for directions to
    > >the Coors Light truck, when the call came in. I was assured by the other two
    > >judges (Native Texans) that the chili wouldn't be all that spicy and,
    > >besides, they told me I could have free beer during the tasting, so I
    > >accepted".
    > >
    > >Here are the scorecards from the advent: (Frank is Judge #3)
    > >
    > >Chili # 1 Eddie's Maniac Monster Chili...
    > >
    > >Judge # 1 -- A little too heavy on the tomato. Amusing kick.
    > >
    > >Judge # 2 -- Nice, smooth tomato flavor. Very mild.
    > >
    > >Judge # 3 -- (Frank) Holy ****, what the hell is this stuff? You could
    > >remove dried paint from your driveway. Took me two beers to put the
    > >flames out. I hope that's the worst one. These Texans are crazy.
    > >
    > >
    > >Chili # 2 Austin's Afterburner Chili...
    > >
    > >Judge # 1 -- Smoky, with a hint of pork. Slight jalapeno tang.
    > >
    > >Judge # 2 -- Exciting BBQ flavor, needs more peppers to be taken seriously.
    > >
    > >Judge # 3 -- Keep this out of the reach of children. I'm not sure what
    > >I'm supposed to taste besides pain. I had to wave off two people who
    > >wanted to give me the Heimlich maneuver. They had to rush in more beer
    > >when they saw the look on my face.
    > >
    > >
    > >Chili # 3 Ronny's Famous Burn Down the Barn Chili...
    > >
    > >Judge # 1 -- Excellent firehouse chili. Great kick. Needs more beans.
    > >
    > >Judge # 2 -- A bean less chili, a bit salty, good use of peppers.
    > >
    > >Judge # 3 -- Call the EPA. I've located a uranium spill. My nose feels
    > >like I have been snorting Drano. Everyone knows the routine by now. Get
    > >me more beer before I ignite. Barmaid pounded me on the back, now my
    > >backbone is in the front part of my chest. I'm getting ****-faced from all
    > >of the beer...
    > >
    > >
    > >Chili # 4 Dave's Black Magic...
    > >
    > >Judge # 1 -- Black bean chili with almost no spice. Disappointing.
    > >
    > >Judge # 2 -- Hint of lime in the black beans. Good side dish for fish
    > >or other mild foods, not much of a chili.
    > >
    > >Judge # 3 -- I felt something scraping across my tongue, but was unable
    > >to taste it. Is it possible to burn out taste buds? Sally, the barmaid,
    > >was standing behind me with fresh refills. That 300-LB woman is starting
    > >to look HOT...just like this nuclear waste I'm eating! Is chili an
    > >aphrodisiac?
    > >
    > >
    > >Chili # 5 Lisa's Legal Lip Remover...
    > >
    > >Judge # 1 -- Meaty, strong chili. Cayenne peppers freshly ground,
    > >adding considerable kick. Very impressive.
    > >
    > >Judge # 2 -- Chili using shredded beef, could use more tomato. Must
    > >admit the cayenne peppers make a strong statement.
    > >
    > >Judge # 3 -- My ears are ringing, sweat is pouring off my forehead and
    > >I can no longer focus my eyes. I farted and four people behind me needed
    > >paramedics. The contestant seemed offended when I told her that her
    > >chili had given me brain damage. Sally saved my tongue from bleeding by
    > >pouring beer directly on it from the pitcher. I wonder if I'm burning my
    > >lips off. It really pisses me off that the other judges asked me to stop
    > >screaming.
    > >Screw those rednecks.
    > >
    > >
    > >Chili # 6 Pam's Very Vegetarian Variety...
    > >
    > >Judge # 1 -- Thin yet bold vegetarian variety chili. Good balance of spices
    > >and peppers.
    > >
    > >Judge # 2 -- The best yet. Aggressive use of peppers, onions, and garlic.
    > >Superb.
    > >
    > >Judge # 3 -- My intestines are now a straight pipe filled with gaseous,
    > >sulfuric flames. I **** on myself when I farted and I'm worried it will
    > >eat through the chair. No one seems inclined to stand behind me except
    > >that Sally. Can't feel my lips anymore. I need to wipe my *** with a snow
    > >cone.
    > >
    > >
    > >Chili # 7 Carla's Screaming Sensation Chili...
    > >
    > >Judge # 1 -- A mediocre chili with too much reliance on canned peppers.
    > >
    > >Judge # 2 -- Ho hum, tastes as if the chef literally threw in a can of
    > >chili peppers at the last moment. **I should take note that I am worried
    > >about Judge # 3. He appears to be in a bit of distress as he is cursing
    > >uncontrollably.
    > >
    > >Judge # 3 -- You could put a grenade in my mouth, pull the pin, and I
    > >wouldn't feel a thing. I've lost sight in one eye, and the world sounds
    > >like it is made of rushing water. My shirt is covered with chili, which
    > >slid unnoticed out of my mouth. My pants are full of lava to match my shirt.
    > >
    > >At least during the autopsy, they'll know what killed me. I've decided
    > >to stop breathing it's too painful. Screw it; I'm not getting any oxygen
    > >anyway.
    > >If I need air, I'll just suck it in through the 4-inch hole in my stomach.
    > >
    > >
    > >Chili # 8 Karen's Toenail Curling Chili...
    > >
    > >Judge # 1 -- The perfect ending, this is a nice blend chili. Not too
    > >bold but spicy enough to declare its existence.
    > >
    > >Judge # 2 -- This final entry is a good, balanced chili. Neither mild
    > >nor hot. Sorry to see that most of it was lost when Judge #3 farted,
    > >passed out, fell over and pulled the chili pot down on top of himself.
    > >Not sure if he's going to make it. Poor feller, wonder how he'd have
    > >reacted to really hot chili?

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