How about a HUMOR/LAUGHTER/JOKE gallery?? Post 'em here

[Peaches#376]

Joke of the day!

A jumbo jet is coming into Tampa Airport on its final approach.
The pilot comes on the intercom, "This is your Captain. We're on our final descent into Tampa. I want to thank you for flying with us today, and I hope you enjoy your stay in Tampa Bay."
He forgets to switch off the intercom.
Now the whole plane can hear his conversation from the ****pit.
The copilot says to the pilot, "Well, skipper, watcha gonna do in Tampa?"
Well," says the skipper, "first I'm gonna check into the hotel and take a big crap. Then I'm gonna take that new stewardess with the huge boobs out for dinner. I'm gonna wine and dine her, take her back to my room, and put it to her big time all night."
Everyone on the plane hears this and immediately begins looking up and down the aisle trying to get a look at the new stewardess.
Meanwhile, the new stewardess is at the very back of the plane. She's so embarrassed that she starts to run toward the ****pit to turn the intercom off.
Halfway down the aisle, she trips over an old lady's bag and down she goes.
The old lady leans over and says: "No need to hurry, dear. He's gotta take a **** first."

2B Blown

[Dbl G]

This girl I know call's me and well here's the tail,

The other night she was invited out for a night with "the girls". She told her husband that she would be home by midnight, "I promise!" Well, the hours passed and the margaritas went down way too easy. Around 3 a.m. a bit loaded, I headed for home. Just as I got in the door, the cuckoo clock in the hall started up and cuckooed 3 times. Quickly, realizing my husband would probably wake up, I cuckooed another 9 times. I was really proud of myself for coming up with such a quick-witted solution, in order to escape a possible conflict with him. (Even when totally smashed... 3 cuckoos plus 9 cuckoos totals 12 cuckoos = MIDNIGHT!)
The next morning my husband asked me what time I got in, and I told him "Midnight". He didn't seem pissed off . Whew! Got away with that one! Then he said, "We need a new cuckoo clock." When I asked him why?, he said, Well last night our clock cuckooed three times, then said Oh. ****", cuckooed 4 more times, cleared it's throat, cuckooed another 3 times, giggled, cuckooed twice more, and then tripped over the coffee table and farted."

[Harley_Hottie]

*disclaimer*
If you are at work or somewhere that the people around you or bosses can hear this clip.. be forewarned there is crude language!

End of the World

Some of you may have seen it already.. but it's so funny I can watch it over again.

[dermaestro]

Have you ever wondered where and how yodeling began?

Many years ago a man was traveling through the mountains of Switzerland. Nightfall was rapidly approaching and he had nowhere to sleep. He went up to a farmhouse and asked the farmer if he could spend the night. The farmer told him that he could sleep in the barn.

As the story goes, the farmer's daughter asked her father, "Who is that man going into the barn?"

"That fellow traveling through," said the farmer. "needs a place to stay for the night, so, I told him he could sleep in the barn."

The daughter said, "Perhaps he is hungry." So she prepared him a plate of food for him and then took it out to the barn.

About an hour later, the daughter returned. Her clothing disheveled and straw in her hair. Straight up to bed she went. The farmer's wife was very observant. She then suggested that perhaps the man was thirsty. So she fetched a bottle of wine, took it out to the barn, and she too did not return for an hour. Her clothing was askew, her blouse buttoned incorrectly. She also headed straight to bed.

The next morning at sunrise the man in the barn got up and continued on his journey, waving to the farmer as he left. When the daughter awoke and learned that the visitor was gone, she broke into tears.

"How could he leave without even saying goodbye," she cried. "We made such passionate love last night!"

"What?" shouted the father as he angrily ran out of the house looking for the man, who by now was halfway up the mountain. The farmer screamed up at him, "I'm going to get you! You had sex with my daughter!"

The man looked back down from the mountainside, cupped his hand next to his mouth, and yelled out..... "LAIDTHEOLADEETOO"

[Dbl G]

.Happy Monday!


.. A seaman meets a pirate in a bar, and talk turns to their adventures on the sea. The seaman notes that the pirate has a peg leg, a hook, and an eye patch.
The seaman asks "So, how did you end up with the peg leg?"
The pirate replies "We were in a storm at sea, and I was swept overboard into a school of sharks. Just as my men were pulling me out, a shark bit my leg off."
"Wow!" said the seaman. "What about your hook"?
"Well,", replied the pirate, "we were boarding an enemy ship and were battling the other sailors with swords. One of the enemy cut my hand off."
"Incredible!" remarked the seaman.
"How did you get the eye-patch"?
"A seagull crapped in my eye," replied the pirate.
"You lost your eye to a seagull dropping?" the sailor asked incredulously.
"Well" said the pirate, "it was my first day with the hook."

[jotay21]

A woman was in a coma.
She had been in it for months.
Nurses were in her room giving her a blanket bath.
One of them was washing her private area and noticed
that there was a slight response on the monitor when she touched her.
They tried it again and sure enough there was sizable movement. They went to her husband and explained what happened, telling him,
"As crazy as this sounds, maybe a little oral sex will do the trick and bring her out ofthe coma."
The husband was skeptical, but they assured him that they'd close the curtains for privacy.
The husband finally agreed and went into his wife's room. After a few minutes the woman's monitor flat lined, no pulse, no heart rate.
The nurses run back into the room.
What happened!?" they cried.
The husband said, "I'm not sure, maybe she choked".

[03 HAWG]

I guess these jokes below could apply to almost anywhere...and especially in certain parts of Virginia, North Carolina, KY.

The owner of a golf course in West Virginia was confused about paying an invoice, so he decided to ask his secretary for some mathematical help.

He called her into office and said, "You graduated from the University of West Virginia and I need some help.

If I were to give you $20,000, minus 14%, how much would you take off?

"Everything but my earrings."

You gotta love those West Virginia women.
==========

A group of West Virginia friends went deer hunting and paired off in twos for the day. That night, one of the hunters returned alone, staggering under the weight of an eight-point buck.

"Where's Henry?" the others asked.

"Henry had a stroke of some kind. He's a couple of miles back up the trail," the successful hunter replied.

"You left Henry laying out there and carried the deer back?" they inquired.

"A tough call," nodded the hunter. "But I figured no one is going to steal Henry!
==========

Regarding the year 2005, a senior at West Virginia was over heard saying, "When the end of the world comes, I hope to be in West Virginia."

When asked why, he stated that everything happens there 20 years later than the rest of the civilized world.
==========

The young West Virginian came running into the store and said to his buddy, "Bubba, somebody just stole your pickup truck from the parking lot!"

Bubba replied, "Did you see who it was?"

The young Mountaineer answered, "I couldn't tell, but I got the license number."
==========

NEWS FLASH! - West Virginia's worst air disaster occurred when a small two-seater Cessna 150 plane, piloted by two University of WVa students, crashed into a cemetery earlier today.

Search and rescue workers have recovered 300 bodies so far and expect the number to climb as digging continues into the evening.

The pilot and copilot survived and are helping in the recovery efforts.
==========



A West Virginia Statetrooper pulled over a pickup on I-77. The trooper asked, "Got any ID?"

The driver replied, "Bout whut?
==========

A West Virginian had a flat tire, pulled off on the side of the road, and proceeded to put a bouquet of flowers in front of the car and one behind it. Then he got back in the car to wait. A passerby studied the scene as he drove by and was so curious he turned around and went back. He asked the fellow what the problem was.

The man replied, "I have a flat tire."

The passerby asked, "But what's with the flowers?"

The man responded, "When you break down they tell you to put flares in the front and flares in the back! I never did understand it neither.

[Dbl G]

A cowgirl, who is visiting Texas from Arkansas, walks into a bar and orders
three mugs of Bud. She sits in the back of the room, drinking a sip out of
each one in turn. When she finishes them, she comes back to the bar and
orders three more. The bartender approaches and tells the cowgirl, "You
know, a mug goes flat after I draw it. It would taste better if you bought
one at a time." The cowgirl replies, "Well, you see, I have two sisters. One
is in Australia, the other is in Dublin. When we all left our home in
Arkansas, we promised that we'd drink this way to remember the days when we
drank together. So I'm drinking one beer for each of my sisters and one for
myself." The bartender admits that this is a nice custom, and leaves it
there. The cowgirl becomes a regular in the bar, and always drinks the same
way. She orders three mugs and drinks them in turn.
One day, she comes in and only orders two mugs. All the regulars take notice
and fall silent. When she come s back to the bar for the second round, the
bartender says, "I don't want to intrude on your grief, but I wanted to
offer my condolences on your loss." The cowgirl looks quite puzzled for a
moment, then a light dawns in her
eyes and she laughs. "Oh, no, everybody's just fine," she explains. "It's
just that my husband and I joined the
Baptist Church and I had to quit drinking." "Hasn't affected my sisters
though."

[Dbl G]

Phone rings. JEWISH MOTHER picks up the phone and answers:

Jewish Mother: Hello?

Daughter: Hi Mom. Can I leave the kids with you tonight?

Jewish Mother: You're going out?

Daughter: Yes.

Jewish Mother: With whom?

Daughter: With a friend.

Jewish Mother: I don't know why you left your husband. He is such a good man.

Daughter: I didn't leave him. He left me!

Jewish Mother: You let him leave you, and now you go out with anybodies and nobodies.

Daughter: I do not go out with anybody. Can I bring over the kids?

Jewish Mother: I never left you to go out with anybody except your father.

Daughter: There are lots of things that you did and I don't.

Jewish Mother: What are you hinting at?

Daughter: Nothing. I just want to know if I can bring the kids over tonight.

Jewish Mother: You're going to stay the night with him? What will your husband say if he finds out?

Daughter: My EX husband. I don't think he would be bothered. From the day he left me, he probably never slept alone!

Jewish Mother: So you're going to sleep over at this loser's place?

Daughter: He's not a loser.

Jewish Mother: A man who goes out with a divorced woman with children is a loser and a parasite.

Daughter: I don't want to argue. Should I bring over the kids or not?

Jewish Mother: Poor children with such a mother.

Daughter: Such a what?

Jewish Mother: With no stability. No wonder your husband left you.

Daughter: ENOUGH !!!

Jewish Mother: Don't scream at me. You probably scream at this loser too!

Daughter: Now you're worried about the loser?

Jewish Mother: Ah, so you see he's a loser. I spotted him immediately.

Daughter: Goodbye, mother.

Jewish Mother: Wait! Don't hang up! When are you bringing them over?

Daughter: I'm not bringing them over! I'm not going out!

Jewish Mother: If you never go out, how do you expect to meet anyone?

[Dbl G]

True or not it sure makes a good story.

George Phillips of Meridian, Mississippi was going up to bed when his wife
told him that he'd left the light on in the garden shed, which she could see
from the bedroom window.

George opened the back door to go turn off the light but saw that there were
people in the shed stealing things.

He phoned the police, who asked "Is someone in your house?" and he said no.
Then they said that all patrols
were busy, and that he should simply lock his door and an officer would be
along when available.

George said, "Okay," hung up, counted to 30, and phoned the police again.
"Hello I just called you a few seconds ago because there were people in my
shed. Well, you don't have to worry about them now cause I've just shot them
all." Then he hung up.

In five minutes, three police cars, an Armed Response unit, and an ambulance
showed up at the Phillips
residence. Of course, the police caught the burglars red-handed.

One of the Policemen said to George: "I thought you said that you'd shot
them!"

George said, "I thought you said there was nobody available!"

[CONMECH]

A few days ago I was having some work done at the local Ford Dealership. A blonde came in and asked for a seven-hundred-ten.

We all looked at each other and another customer asked, "What is a seven-hundred-ten?"

She replied, "You know, the little piece in the middle of the engine, I have lost it and need a new one." She said that she did not know what it was but this piece had always been there.

He gave her a piece of paper and a pen and asked her to draw what the piece looked like. She drew a circle and in the middle of it wrote 710. He then took her over to another car, which had its hood up and asked, "Is there a 710 on this car?"

She pointed and said, "Of course, it's right "th <http://womencentral.net/oil2.jpg>ere! ." <http://womencentral.net/oil2.jpg> (Click on the word "there".)

[Dbl G]

The Noisy Boy

As a crowded airliner is about to take off, the peace is shattered by a
5-year-old boy who picks that moment to throw a wild temper tantrum. No
matter what his frustrated, embarrassed mother does to try to calm him
down, the boy continues to scream furiously and kick the seats around him.

Suddenly, from the rear of the plane, an elderly man in the uniform of an
Air Force General is seen slowly walking forward up the aisle. Stopping the
flustered mother with an upraised hand, the white-haired, courtly,
soft-spoken General leans down and, motioning toward his chest, whispers
something into the boy's ear.
Instantly, the boy calms down, gently takes his mother's hand, and quietly
fastens his seat belt.

All the other passengers burst into spontaneous applause. As the General
slowly makes his way back to his seat, one of the cabin attendants touches
his sleeve. "Excuse me, General," she asks quietly, "but could I ask you
what magic words you used on that little boy?"

The old man smiles serenely and gently confides, "I showed him my pilot's
wings, service stars, and battle ribbons, and explained that they entitle me
to throw one passenger out the plane door on any flight I choose."

[Dbl G]

It is with saddest heart that I must pass on the following news:

Please join me in remembering a great icon of the entertainment community.
The Pillsbury Doughboy died yesterday of a yeast infection and
trauma--complications from repeated pokes in the belly. He was 71.

Doughboy was buried in a lightly greased coffin. Dozens of celebrities
turned out to pay their respects, including Mrs. Butterworth, Hungry Jack,
the California Raisins, Betty Crocker, the Hostess Twinkies, and Captain
Crunch.

The grave site was piled high with flours. Aunt Jemima delivered the eulogy
and lovingly described Doughboy as a man who never knew how much he was
kneaded. Doughboy rose quickly in show business, but his later life was
filled with turnovers. He was not considered a very smart cookie, wasting
much of his dough on half-baked schemes. Despite being a little flaky at
times he still was a crusty old man and was considered a roll model for
millions.

Doughboy is survived by his wife Play Dough, two children, John Dough and
Jane Dough plus they had one in the oven. He is also survived by his elderly
dad, Pop Tart. The funeral was held at 3:50 for about 20 minutes.

[N2BOOST]

This was emailed to me

Well, it appears our African friends have found something else to be
pissed
about. A black congresswoman reputedly complained that the names of
hurricanes are all Caucasian- sounding names. She would prefer some names

that reflect African -American culture such as Chamiqua, Moeisha, and
Jamal.

I can hear it now: A black weatherman in, say, Houston intoning, "Word
up,
Muthas! Hehr-i-cane Chamiqua be headin' fo' Galveston like Leroy on a
crotch
rocket! ***** be a category fo'! So, turn off dem chitlins, grab yo'
chirren, and head fo' de nearest welfare office ."

[Silver03HD]

Originally posted by N2BOOST
This was emailed to me

Well, it appears our African friends have found something else to be
pissed
about. A black congresswoman reputedly complained that the names of
hurricanes are all Caucasian- sounding names. She would prefer some names

that reflect African -American culture such as Chamiqua, Moeisha, and
Jamal.

I can hear it now: A black weatherman in, say, Houston intoning, "Word
up,
Muthas! Hehr-i-cane Chamiqua be headin' fo' Galveston like Leroy on a
crotch
rocket! ***** be a category fo'! So, turn off dem chitlins, grab yo'
chirren, and head fo' de nearest welfare office ."

Wow, thats not racist....