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Thread: How about a HUMOR/LAUGHTER/JOKE gallery?? Post 'em here

  1. #256
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    The Brothel

    The brothel

    The madam opened the brothel door to see a rather dignified,
    well-dressed good looking man in his late 40s or early 50s.
    "May I help you?" she asked.
    "I want to see Valerie," the man replied.
    "Sir, Valerie is one of our most expensive ladies. Perhaps you would
    prefer someone else," said the madam.
    "No. I must see Valerie," was the man's reply.
    Just then, Valerie appeared and announced to the man that she charged
    $1,000 a visit. Without hesitation, the man pulled out ten
    one-hundred dollar bills, gave them to Valerie, and they went
    upstairs.
    After an hour, the man calmly left.
    The next night, the same man appeared again, demanding to see
    Valerie.
    Valerie explained that none had ever come back two nights in a
    row--too expensive--and there were no discounts. The price was still
    $1,000.
    Again the man pulled out the money, gave it to Valerie and they went
    upstairs.
    After an hour, he left.
    The following night the man was there again. Everyone was astounded
    That he had come for the third consecutive night, but he paid Valerie and they went upstairs.
    After their session, Valerie questioned the man. "No one has ever
    Been with me three nights in a row. Where are you from?" she asked.
    The man replied, "South Carolina. ""Really" she said. "I have family
    in South Carolina."
    "I know," the man said. "Your father died, and I am your sister's
    attorney.
    She asked me to give you your $3,000 inheritance."
    The moral of the story is that three things in life are certain:
    1. Death
    2. Taxes
    3. Being screwed by a lawyer

  2. #257
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    A bit of humor for anyone to enjoy.

    YOU MAY NOT KNOW THAT MANY NON-LIVING THINGS HAVE A GENDER.

    FOR EXAMPLE .....

    1. FREEZER BAGS:
    THEY ARE MALE, BECAUSE THEY HOLD EVERYTHING IN, BUT YOU CAN SEE RIGHT THROUGH THEM.

    2. COPIERS:
    THEY ARE FEMALE, BECAUSE ONCE TURNED OFF, IT TAKES AWHILE TO WARM THEM UP AGAIN. IT'S AN EFFECTIVE REPRODUCTIVE DEVICE IF THE RIGHT BUTTONS ARE
    PUSHED, BUT CAN WREAK HAVOC IF THE WRONG BUTTONS ARE PUSHED.

    3. TIRES:
    THEY ARE MALE, BECAUSE THEY GO BALD AND THEY'RE OFTEN OVER-INFLATED.

    4. HOT AIR BALLOON:
    MALE, BECAUSE TO GET IT TO GO ANYWHERE, YOU HAVE TO LIGHT A FIRE UNDER IT, AND OF COURSE, THERE'S THE HOT AIR PART.

    5. SPONGES:
    FEMALE BECAUSE THEY'RE SOFT, SQUEEZABLE AND RETAIN WATER.

    6. WEB PAGE:
    FEMALE, BECAUSE IT'S ALWAYS GETTING HIT ON.

    7. SUBWAY:
    MALE, BECAUSE IT USES THE SAME OLD LINES TO PICK PEOPLE UP.

    8. HOURGLASS:
    FEMALE, BECAUSE OVER TIME, THE WEIGHT SHIFTS TO THE BOTTOM.

    9. HAMMER:
    MALE, BECAUSE IT HASN'T CHANGED MUCH OVER THE LAST 500 YEARS BUT IT'S HANDY TO HAVE AROUND.

    10. REMOTE CONTROL:
    FEMALE - HA! YOU THOUGHT IT'D BE MALE BUT CONSIDER THIS - IT GIVES A MAN PLEASURE, HE'D BE LOST WITHOUT IT, AND WHILE HE DOESN'T ALWAYS KNOW THE RIGHT BUTTONS TO PUSH, HE KEEPS TRYING.

  3. #258
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    HOW TO STOP PEOPLE FROM BUGGING YOU ABOUT GETTING MARRIED

    Old aunts used to come up to me at weddings, poking me in the ribs and cackling, telling me, "You're next." They stopped after I started doing the same thing to them at funerals.

  4. #259
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    Blonde jokes, hopefully not repost,

    A blonde, brunette and redhead all in the 3rd grade, who's boobs are bigger?



    The blonde, she's 18.



    A blonde gets pulled over for speeding by a blonde cop, the cop ask the driver for her license, the driver ask " what does it look like?"
    the cop answers" its a little rectangle that has your picture on it"
    Driver digs in her purse for a minute, finds a mirror, see's her face and ask the cop "is this it?"
    the cop looks at the mirror and says "oh, I see your a police officer too, you can go"

  5. #260
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    One of the British national daily newspapers is
    asking readers "what it means to be British?". Some
    of the emails are hilarious but this is one from a
    chap in Switzerland ...

    "Being British is about driving in a German car
    to an Irish pub for a Belgian beer, then traveling
    home, grabbing an Indian curry or a Turkish kebab on
    the way, to sit on Swedish furniture and watch
    American shows on a Japanese TV. And the most
    British thing of all?
    Suspicion of anything foreign"


    Chris Rock's "Quote of the Year"
    "You know the world is going crazy when the best
    rapper is a white guy, the best golfer is a black
    guy, the tallest guy in the NBA is Chinese, the
    Swiss hold the America's Cup, France is accusing the
    U.S. of arrogance, Germany doesn't want to go to
    war, and the three most powerful men in America are
    named Bush, ****, and Colon. Need I say more?"

    2003 F150 Harley Davidson #4520 (Black) Born 11th Feb 2003
    2004 F250 7.3L TD Australian Delivered (Black)
    2008 FXDF Fat Bob
    2008 Ducati Hypermotard (S) (Black)
    2008 Hayabusa (Black)
    2007 Hayabusa (Custom 10" over & 330 Rear End)
    2005 HD Ultra Classic (Black)
    2003 DRZ440 Motarded
    My Main Gallery
    My Other Rides

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    Paddy was driving down the street in a sweat because he had an
    Important meeting and couldn't find a parking place.
    Looking up to heaven he said, "Lord take pity on me. If you
    find me a parking place I will go to Mass every Sunday for the rest of me life and give up me Irish Whiskey".
    Miraculously, a parking place appeared. Paddy looked up again and said, "Never mind, I found one."

  7. #262
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    A tour bus driver is driving with a bus full of seniors down a highway when
    he is tapped on his shoulder by a little old lady. She offers him a handful
    of peanuts, which he gratefully munches up.

    After about 15 minutes, she taps him on his shoulder again and she hands him
    another handful of peanuts. She repeats this gesture about five more times.

    When she is about to hand him another batch again he asks the little old
    lady why they don't eat the peanuts themselves.

    "We can't chew them because we've no teeth", she replied.

    The puzzled driver asks, "Why do you buy them then?"

    The old lady replied, "We just love the chocolate around them."


    It pays to be careful around old people.
    Black 03' #00917

  8. #263
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  9. #264
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    Oil Change

    Oil Change instructions for Women:
    1) Pull up to Jiffy Lube when the mileage reaches 3000 miles since the last oil change.
    2) Drink a cup of coffee.
    3) 15 minutes later, write a check and leave with a properly maintained vehicle.

    Money spent:
    Oil Change $20.00
    Coffee $1.00
    Total $21.00
    ================================================== =======

    Oil Change instructions for Men:
    1) Wait until Saturday, drive to auto parts store and buy a case of oil, filter, kitty litter, hand cleaner and a scented tree, write a check for $50.00.
    2) Stop by 7 - 11 and buy a case of beer, write a check for $20, drive home.
    3) Open a beer and drink it.
    4) Jack car up. Spend 30 minutes looking for jack stands.
    5) Find jack stands und! er kid's pedal car.
    6) In frustration, open another beer and drink it.
    7) Place drain pan under engine.
    8) Look for 9/16 box end wrench.
    9) Give up and use crescent wrench.
    10) Unscrew drain plug.
    11) Drop drain plug in pan of hot oil: splash hot oil on you in process. Cuss.
    12) Crawl out from under car to wipe hot oil off of face and arms. Throw kitty litter on spilled oil.
    13) Have another beer while watching oil drain.
    14) Spend 30 minutes looking for oil filter wrench.
    15) Give up; crawl under car and hammer a screwdriver through oil filter and twist off.
    16) Crawl out from under car with dripping oil filter splashing oil everywhere from holes. Cleverly hide old oil filter among trash in trash can to avoid environ****** penalties. Drink a beer.
    17) Buddy shows up; finish case of beer with him. Decide to finish oil change tomorrow so you can go see his new garage door opener.
    18) Sunday: Skip church because "I gotta finish the ! oil change." Drag pan full of old oil out from underneath car. Cleverl y dump oil in hole in back yard instead of taking it back to Kragen to recycle.
    19) Throw kitty litter on oil spilled during step 18.
    20) Beer? No, drank it all yesterday.
    21) Walk to 7-11; buy beer.
    22) Install new oil filter making sure to apply a thin coat of oil to gasket surface.
    23) Dump first quart of fresh oil into engine.
    24) Remember drain plug from step 11.
    25) Hurry to find drain plug in drain pan.
    26) Remember that the used oil is buried in a hole in the back yard, along with drain plug.
    27) Drink beer.
    28) Shovel out hole and sift oily mud for drain plug. Re-shovel oily dirt into hole. Steal sand from kids sandbox to cleverly cover oily patch of ground and avoid environ****** penalties. Wash drain plug in lawnmower gas.
    29) Discover that first quart of fresh oil is now on the floor. Throw kitty litter on oil spill.
    30) Drink beer.
    31) Crawl under car getting kitty litter into eyes. Wipe eyes with oily rag used ! to clean drain plug. Slip with stupid crescent wrench tightening drain plug and bang knuckles on frame.
    32) Bang head on floorboards in reaction to step 31.
    33) Begin cussing fit.
    34) Throw stupid crescent wrench.
    35) Cuss for additional 10 minutes because wrench hit bowling trophy.
    36) Beer.
    37) Clean up hands and forehead and bandage as required to stop blood flow.
    38) Beer.
    39) Beer.
    40) Dump in five fresh quarts of oil.
    41) Beer.
    42) Lower car from jack stands.
    43) Accidentally crush remaining case of new motor oil.
    44) Move car back to apply more kitty litter to fresh oil spilled during steps 23 - 43.
    45) Beer.
    46) Test drive car.
    47) Get pulled over: arrested for driving under the influence.
    48) Car gets impounded.
    49) Call loving wife, make bail.
    50) 12 hours later, get car from impound yard.

    Money spent:
    Parts $50.00
    DUI $2500.00
    Impound fee $75.00
    Bail $1500.00
    Beer $40.00
    Total - - $ 4,165.00

    But you know the job was done right!

  10. #265
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    ^^^^^^
    HAHAHAHAHHAHAHAHAHA
    i love it, and we all know that we have participated in most if not all of those steps (hopefully excluding the DUI steps!!)
    at least i have a checklist now to make sure i get all the steps down!

    -Nick

  11. #266
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    Two engineering students were walking across campus when one said, "Where did you get such a great bike?"

    The second engineer replied, "Well, I was walking along yesterday minding my own business when a beautiful woman rode up on this bike. She threw the bike to the ground, took off all her clothes and said, 'Take what you want.'"

    The second engineer nodded approvingly, "Good choice; the clothes probably wouldn't have fit."


    -Nick

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    HOW DO YOU DECIDE WHOM TO MARRY? (Written by kids)


    You got to find somebody who likes the same stuff. Like, if you like
    sports, she should like it that you like sports, and she should keep
    the chips and dip coming. -- Alan, age 10


    No person really decides before they grow up who they're going to
    marry. God decides it all way before, and you get to find out later
    who you're stuck with. -- Kristen, age 10


    WHAT IS THE RIGHT AGE TO GET MARRIED?


    Twenty-three is the best age because you know the person FOREVER by then. -- Camille, age 10


    No age is good to get married at. You got to be a fool to get
    married. -- Freddie, age 6 (very wise for his age)


    HOW CAN A STRANGER TELL IF TWO PEOPLE ARE MARRIED?


    You might have to guess, based on whether they seem to be yelling at the
    same kids. -- Derrick, age 8


    WHAT DO YOU THINK YOUR MOM AND DAD HAVE IN COMMON?

    Both don't want any more kids. -- Lori, age 8


    WHAT DO MOST PEOPLE DO ON A DATE?

    Dates are for having fun, and people should use them to get to know
    each other. Even boys have something to say if you listen long
    enough. -- Lynnette, age 8 (isn't she a treasure)


    On the first date, they just tell each other lies and that usually
    gets them interested enough to go for a second date. -- Martin, age
    10


    WHAT WOULD YOU DO ON A FIRST DATE THAT WAS TURNING SOUR?

    I'd run home and play dead. The next day I would call all the
    newspapers and make sure they wrote about me in all the dead
    columns. -- Craig, age 9


    WHEN IS IT OKAY TO KISS SOMEONE?

    When they're rich. -- Pam, age 7

    The law says you have to be eighteen, so I wouldn't want to mess
    with that - - Curt, age 7

    The rule goes like this: If you kiss someone, then you should marry
    them and have kids with them. It's the right thing to do. -- Howard,
    age 8


    IS IT BETTER TO BE SINGLE OR MARRIED?

    I don't know which is better, but I'll tell you one thing. I'm
    never going to have sex with my wife. I don't want to be all grossed
    out. -- Theodore, age 8

    It's better for girls to be single but not for boys. Boys need
    someone to clean up after them. -- Anita, age 9 (bless you child)


    HOW WOULD THE WORLD BE DIFFERENT IF PEOPLE DIDN'T GET MARRIED?

    There sure would be a lot of kids to explain, wouldn't there? --
    Kelvin, age 8


    And the #1 Favorite is.......

    HOW WOULD YOU MAKE A MARRIAGE WORK?


    Tell your wife that she looks pretty, even if she looks like a
    truck. -- Ricky, age 10

  13. #268
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    HOW TO SPEAK ABOUT WOMEN AND BE POLITICALLY CORRECT:
    1. She is not a "BABE" or a "CHICK" - She is a "BREASTED AMERICAN."

    2. She is not a "SCREAMER" or a "MOANER" - She is "VOCALLY APPRECIATIVE."

    3. She is not "EASY" - She is "HORIZONTALLY ACCESSIBLE."

    4. She is not a "DUMB BLONDE" - She is a "LIGHT-HAIRED DETOUR OFF THE
    INFORMATION SUPERHIGHWAY."

    5. She has not "BEEN AROUND" - She is a "PREVIOUSLY-ENJOYED COMPANION."

    6. She is not an "AIRHEAD" - She is "REALITY IMPAIRED."


    7. She does not get "DRUNK" or "TIPSY" - She gets "CHEMICALLY
    INCONVENIENCED"

    8. She does not have "BREAST IMPLANTS" - She is "MEDICALLY ENHANCED."

    9. She does not "NAG" you - She becomes "VERBALLY REPETITIVE."

    10. She is not a "TRAMP" - She is "SEXUALLY EXTROVERTED."

    11. She does not have "MAJOR LEAGUE HOOTERS" - She is "PECTORALLY
    SUPERIOR."

    12. She is not a "TWO-BIT HOOKER" - She is a "LOW COST PROVIDER."


    HOW TO SPEAK ABOUT MEN AND BE POLITICALLY CORRECT:

    1. He does not have a "BEER GUT" - He has developed a "LIQUID GRAIN
    STORAGE FACILITY."

    2. He is not a "BAD DANCER" - He is "OVERLY CAUCASIAN."

    3. He does not "GET LOST ALL THE TIME" - He "INVESTIGATES
    ALTERNATIVE DESTINATIONS."

    4. He is not "BALDING" - He is in "FOLLICLE REGRESSION."

    5. He is not a "CRADLE ROBBER" - He prefers "GENERATIONAL DIFFERENTIAL
    RELATIONSHIPS."

    6. He does not get "FALLING-DOWN DRUNK" - He becomes "ACCIDENTALLY
    HORIZONTAL."

    7. He does not act like a "TOTAL ***" - He develops a case of
    RECTAL-CRANIAL INVERSION."

    8. He is not a "MALE CHAUVINIST PIG" - He has "SWINE EMPATHY."

    9. He is not afraid of "COMMITMENT" - He is "RELATIONSHIP CHALLENGED."

    10. He is not "HORNY" - He is "SEXUALLY FOCUSED."

    11. It's not his "CRACK" you see hanging out of his pants - It's "REAR
    CLEAVAGE"

  14. #269
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    Breaking news...

    After a lengthy study, A Penn State Professor has discovered that people with insufficient brain and sexual activity read their e-mail with their hand on the mouse.


    Don’t bother taking it off now, it’s too late.

  15. #270
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    You suck GG. Got me again..................

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