1. You take your dog for a walk and you both use the same tree.
2. You can entertain yourself for more than 15 minutes with a fly
Swatter.
3. Your boat has not left the driveway in 15 years.
4. You burn your yard rather than mow it.....( INTERESTING))
5. You think the "nutcracker" is something you do off the high dive.
6. The salvation army declines your furniture.
7. You offer to give someone the shirt off your back and they don't
want it.
8. You have the local taxidermist on speed dial.
9. You come back from the dump with more than you took.
10. You keep a can of raid on the kitchen table.
11. Your wife can climb a tree faster than your cat.
12. Your grandmother has "ammo" on her Christmas list.
13. You keep flea and tick soap in the shower.
14. You've been involved in a custody fight over a hunting dog.
15. You go to the stock car races and don't need a program.
16. You know how many bales of hay your car will hold.
17. You have a rag for a gas cap.
18. Your house doesn't have curtains, but your truck does.... (SO WHATS
YOUR POINT)
19. You wonder how service stations keep their restrooms so clean.
20. You can spit without opening your mouth.
21. You consider your license plate personalized because your Father
made it.
22. Your lifetime goal is to own a fireworks stand.
23. You have a complete set of salad bowls and they all say "cool Whip"
on the side.
24. The biggest city you've ever been to is Wal-Mart.
25. Your working TV sits on top of your non-working TV.
26. You've used your ironing board as a buffet table... (IRONING BOARD
WHATS THAT..
27. A tornado hits your neighborhood and does a $100,000 worth of
Improvements.
28. You've used a toilet brush to scratch your back.
29. You missed your 5th grade graduation because you were on jury Duty.
30. You think fast food is hitting a deer at 65.
NICKNAMES
If Laura, Kate and Sarah go out for lunch, they will call each other Laura, Kate and Sarah.
If Mike, Dave and John go out, they will affectionately refer to each other as Fat Boy, Godzilla and Four-eyes.
EATING OUT
When the bill arrives, Mike, Dave and John will each throw in £20, even though it's only for £32.50. None of them will have anything smaller and none will actually admit they want change back.
When the girls get their bill, out come the pocket calculators.
MONEY
A man will pay £2 for a £1 item he needs.
A woman will pay £1 for a £2 item that she doesn't need but it's on sale
BATHROOMS
A man has six items in his bathroom: toothbrush and toothpaste, shaving cream, razor, a bar of soap, and a towel from M&S.
The average number of items in the typical woman's bathroom is 337. A man would not be able to identify more than 20 of these items.
ARGUMENTS
A woman has the last word in any argument.
Anything a man says after that is the beginning of a new argument.
CATS
Women love cats.
Men say they love cats, but when women aren't looking, men kick cats.
FUTURE
A woman worries about the future until she gets a husband.
A man never worries about the future until he gets a wife.
SUCCESS
A successful man is one who makes more money than his wife can spend.
A successful woman is one who can find such a man.
MARRIAGE
A woman marries a man expecting he will change, but he doesn't.
A man marries a woman expecting that she won't change, but she does.
DRESSING UP
A woman will dress up to go shopping, water the plants, empty the bins, answer the phone, read a book, and get the post.
A man will dress up for weddings and funerals.
NATURAL
Men wake up as good-looking as they went to bed.
Women somehow deteriorate during the night.
OFFSPRING
Ah, children. A woman knows all about her children. She knows about dentist appointments and romances, best friends, favourite foods, secret fears and hopes and dreams.
A man is vaguely aware of some short people living in the house.
THOUGHT FOR THE DAY
Any married man should forget his mistakes. There's no use in two people remembering the same thing.
What a woman says: C'mon...This place is a mess. You and I need to clean.Your trousers are on the floor and you'll have no clothes if we don't do the laundry now.
What a man hears: C'MON ... blah, blah, blah YOU AND I blah,blah, blah, blah, blah ON THE FLOOR blah, blah, blah, NO CLOTHES blah, blah, blah, blah, NOW
We're a bunch of funny buggers down here. We also don't mind taking the pi$$ out of ourselves.
Australian Etiquette
IN GENERAL
1. Never take an open stubby to a job interview.
2. Always identify people in your paddocks before shooting at them.
3. It's tacky to take an esky to church.
4. If you have to vacuum the bed, it's time to change the sheets.
5. Even if you're certain you're included in the will, it's rude to take your Ute and trailer to the funeral.
DINING OUT
1. When decanting wine from the box, tilt the paper cup and pour slowly so as not to bruise the wine.
2. If drinking directly from the bottle, hold it with only one hand.
ENTERTAINING IN YOUR HOME
1. A centrepiece for the table should never be anything prepared by a taxidermist.
2. Don't allow the dog to eat at the table, no matter how good his manners.
PERSONAL HYGIENE
1. While ears need to be cleaned regularly, this should be done in private, using one's OWN Ute keys.
2. Even if you live alone, deodorant isn't a waste of money.
3. Extensive use of deodorant can only delay bathing by a few days.
4. Dirt and grease under the fingernails is a no-no, it alters the taste of finger foods and
if you are a woman it can draw attention away from your jewellery.
DATING
1. Always offer to bait your date's hook - especially on the first date.
2. Be assertive. Let her know you're interested: "I've been wanting to go out with you ever since I read that stuff on the dunny door two years ago."
3. Establish with her parents what time she's expected back.Some will say 11:00 PM, others might say "Monday." If the latter is the answer, it's the man's responsibility to get her to school on time.
THEATRE ETIQUETTE
1. Crying babies should be taken to the lobby and picked up after the movie ends.
2. Refrain from yelling abuse at characters on the screen.Tests have proven they can't hear you.
WEDDINGS
1. Livestock is a poor choice for a wedding gift.
2. Kissing the bride for more than five seconds may cause a drop in your popularity.
(Excessive use of the tongue is also considered out of place)
3. For the groom, at least, rent a tux. A tracksuit with a cummerbund and a clean football jumper can create a tacky appearance.
4. Though uncomfortable, say "yes" to socks and shoes for the occasion.
DRIVING ETIQUETTE
1. Dim your headlights for approaching vehicles, even if your gun's loaded and the roo's in your rifle sight.
2. When entering a roundabout, the vehicle with the largest roo bar doesn't always have the right of way.
3. Never tow another car using panty hose and duct tape.
4. When sending your wife down the road with a petrol can, it's impolite to ask her to bring back beer too
International symbol of marriage is Approved by the UN
New York-AP- After 5 months of heated debate, the Commission of Human Rights of the United Nations has approved the new International Symbol of Marriage.
Aint this da truth..............
Two builders (Dave and Stuart) are seated either side of a table in a
rough pub when a well-dressed man enters, orders a beer and sits on a
stool at the bar ...
The two builders start to speculate about the occupation of the suit
Dave: - I reckon he's an accountant.
Stuart: - No way - he's a stockbroker.
Dave: - He ain't no stockbroker! A stockbroker wouldn't come in here!
The argument repeats itself for some time until the volume of beer gets
the better of Dave and he makes for the toilet.
On entering the toilet he sees that the suit is standing at a urinal.
Curiosity and the several beers get the better of the builder .....
Dave: - 'Scuse me.... no offence meant, but me and me mate were
wondering what you do for a living?
Suit: - No offence taken! I'm a Logical Scientist by profession
Dave: - Oh! What's that then?
Suit: - I'll try to explain by example . Do you have a goldfish at home?
Dave: - Er... mmm... well yeah, I do as it happens!
Suit: - Well, it's logical to follow that you keep it in a bowl or in a
pond. Which is it?
Dave: - It's in a pond!
Suit: - Well it's reasonable to suppose that you have a large garden
then?
Dave: - As it happens, yes I have got a big garden.
Suit: - Well then it's logical to assume that in this town if you have a
large garden then you have a large house?
Dave: - As it happens I've got a five bedroom house ... built it myself!
Suit: - Well given that you've built a five bedroom house it is logical
to assume that you haven't built it just for yourself and that you are
quite probably married?
Dave: - Yes I am married, I live with my wife and four children.
Suit: - Well then it is logical to assume that you are sexually active
with your wife on a regular basis?
Dave: - Yep! Five times a week!
Suit: - Well then it is logical to suggest that you do not masturbate
very often?
Dave: - Do what? Not me mate!
Suit: - Well there you are! That's logical science at work!
Dave: - How's that then?
Suit: - Well from finding out that you had a goldfish, I've told you
about your sex life!
Dave: - I see! That's pretty impressive ... thanks mate!
Both leave the toilet and Dave returns to his mate.
Stuart: - I see the suit was in there. Did you ask him what he does?
Dave: - Yep! He's a logical scientist!
Stuart: - What's that then?
Dave: - I'll try and explain. Do you have a goldfish?
Sixty is the worst age to be," said the 60-year-old. "You always feel like you have to pee and most of the time you stand there and nothing comes out."
"Ah, that's nothing," said the 70-year-old.
"When you're seventy, you don't have a bowel movement any more. You take
laxatives, eat bran, sit on the toilet all day and nothing comes out!"
"Actually," said the 80-year -old,
"Eighty is the worst age of all."
"Do you have trouble peeing, too?" asked the 60-year old.
"No, I pee every morning at 6:00.
I pee like a racehorse on a flat rock; no problem at all."
"So, do you have a problem with your bowel movement?"
"No, I have one every morning at 6:30."
Exasperated, the 60-year-old said,
"You pee every morning at 6:00 and crap every morning at 6:30. So what's so
bad about being 80?"
"I don't wake up until 7:00"
Your last name stays put. The garage is all yours. Wedding plans take care
of themselves. Chocolate is just another snack. You can be President. You
can never be pregnant. You can wear a white T-shirt to a water park. You
can wear NO shirt to a water park. Car mechanics tell you the truth. The
world is your urinal. You never have to drive to another gas station
restroom because this one is just too icky. You don't have to stop and
think of which way to turn a nut on a bolt. Same work, more pay. Wrinkles
add character. Wedding dress $5000. Tux rental-$100. People never stare at
your chest when you're talking to them. The occasional well-rendered belch
is practically expected. New shoes don't cut, blister, or mangle your feet.
One mood all the time. Phone conversations are over in 30 seconds flat.
You know stuff about tanks. A five-day vacation requires only one suitcase.
You can open all your own jars. You get extra credit for the slightest act
of thoughtfulness. If someone forgets to invite you, he or she can still be
your friend. Your underwear is $8.95 for a three-pack. Three pairs of
shoes are more than enough. You almost never have strap problems in public.
You are unable to see wrinkles in your clothes. Everything on your face
stays its original color. The same hairstyle lasts for years, maybe decades
You only have to shave your face and neck. You can play with toys all
your life. Your belly usually hides your big hips. One wallet and one pair
of shoes one color for all seasons. You can wear shorts no matter how
your legs look. You can "do" your nails with a pocket knife. You have
freedom of choice concerning growing a mustache. You can do Christmas
shopping for 25 relatives on December 24 in 25 minutes. No wonder men are
happier.
A Filipino applies for a job at Wal-Mart....sorry Romeo
A Filipino applies for a job at Wal-Mart
.
An office manager at Wal-Mart was given the task of hiring
an individual to fill a job opening. After sorting through a
stack of resumes he found four people who were equally qualified
an American, a Russian, an Australian and a Filipino.
He decided to call the four in and ask them only one question.
Their answer would determine who of them would get the job.
The day came and as the four sat around the conference room table
the interviewer asked, "What is the fastest thing you know?"
Dave, the American, replied, "A THOUGHT. It just pops into your
head. There's no warning that it's on the way; it's just there.
A thought is the fastest thing I know of. "That's very good!" replied the interviewer.
"And now you sir?" he asked Vladimir, the Russian.
"Hmm.... let me see. A blink! It comes and goes and you don't know that it ever happened. A BLINK is the fastest thing I know."
"Excellent!" said the interviewer. "The blink of an eye, that's a very popular clichι for speed." He then turned to George, the Australian who was
contemplating his reply. "Well, out at my dad's ranch, you step out of the
house and on the wall there's a light switch. When you flipthat
switch, way out across the pasture the light in the barn comes
on. Yep, TURNING ON A LIGHT is the fastest thing I can think of."
The interviewer was very impressed with the third answer and
thought he had found his man. "It's hard to beat the speed of
light," he said.
Turning to Eleuterio, the Filipino, the fourth and final man,
the interviewer posed the same question. Eleuterio replied,
"Apter herring da 3 preybyus ansers sir, et's obyus to me dat
the fastest thing is Diarrhea."
"WHAT!?" said the interviewer, stunned by the response. The others
were already giggling in their seats.. "Oh, I can expleyn sir," said Eleuterio. " You see, sir, da ader day my tummy was peeling bad and so I run so fast to the
bathroom, but bepore I could THINK, BLINK, or TURN ON THE LIGHT, sir,
I had alreydi shet in my pants!"
A police officer pulls a guy over for speeding and has the following exchange:
Officer: May I see your driver's license?
Driver: I don't have one. I had it suspended when I got my 5th DUI.
Officer: May I see the owner's card for this vehicle?
Driver: It's not my car. I stole it.
Officer: The car is stolen?
Driver: That's right. But come to think of it, I think I saw the owner's card in the glove box when I was putting my gun in there.
Officer: There's a gun in the glove box?
Driver: Yes sir. That's where I put it after I shot and killed the woman who owns this car and stuffed her in the trunk.
Officer: There's a BODY in the TRUNK?!?!?
Driver: Yes, sir.
Hearing this, the officer immediately called his captain. The car was quickly surrounded by police, and the captain approached the driver to handle the tense situation:
Captain: Sir, can I see your license?
Driver: Sure. Here it is. (It was valid.)
Captain: Who's car is this?
Driver: It's mine, officer. Here's the owner' card. (The driver owned the car.)
Captain: Could you slowly open your glove box so I can see if there's a gun in it?
Driver: Yes, sir, but there's no gun in it. (Sure enough, there was nothing in the glove box.)
Captain: Would you mind opening your trunk? I was told you said there's a body in it.
Driver: No problem. (Trunk is opened; no body.)
Captain: I don't understand it. The officer who stopped you said you told him you didn't have a license, stole the car, had a gun in the glovebox, and that there was a dead body in the trunk.
Driver: Yeah, I'll bet that lying S.O.B. told you I was speeding, too.
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