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Thread: How about a HUMOR/LAUGHTER/JOKE gallery?? Post 'em here

  1. #46
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  2. #47
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    kick start your week with these funnies

    ;w
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  3. #48
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    another one
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  4. #49
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    watch out for PAT

    ;t
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  5. #50
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    do you know ETHEL??

    pretty sure we know one in our lives!!
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  6. #51
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    Three desperately ill men met with their doctor one day to discuss their options. One was an Alcoholic, one was a Chain-Smoker, and one was a homosexual.

    The doctor, addressing all three of them, said, "If any of you indulge in your vices one more time, you will surely die." The men left the doctor's office; each convinced that he would never again indulge himself in his vice.

    While walking toward the subway for their return trip to the suburbs, they passed a bar. The Alcoholic, hearing the loud music and smelling the ale, could not stop himself. His buddies accompanied him into the bar, where he had a shot of whiskey. No sooner had he replaced the shot glass on the bar, he fell off his stool, stone cold dead. His companions, somewhat shaken, left the bar, realizing how seriously they must take the doctor's words.

    As they walked along, they came upon a cigarette butt lying on the ground, still burning. The Homosexual looked at the Chain-Smoker and said, "You know if you bend over to pick that up, we're both dead. "

  7. #52
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    One day a little girl was sitting and watching her mother do the dishes
    at the kitchen sink. She suddenly noticed that her mother had several
    strands of white hair sticking out in contrast on her brunette head.
    She looked at her mother and inquisitively asked, "Why are some of your hairs white, Mom?"
    Her mother replied, "Well, every time that you do something wrong and make me cry or unhappy, one of my hairs turns white."
    The little girl thought about this revelation for a while and then said,
    "Momma, how come ALL of grandma's hairs are white?"

  8. #53
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    A little girl was talking to her teacher about whales.
    The teacher said it was physically impossible for a whale to swallow a human because even though it was a very large mammal its throat was very small.
    The little girl stated that Jonah was swallowed by a whale.
    Irritated, the teacher reiterated that a whale could not swallow a
    human; it was physically impossible.
    The little girl said, "When I get to heaven I will ask Jonah."
    The teacher asked, " What if Jonah went to hell?"
    The little girl replied, "Then you ask him".

  9. #54
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    The children were lined up in the cafeteria of a Catholic elementary
    school for lunch. At the head of the table was a large pile of apples.
    The nun made a note, and posted on the apple tray: "Take only ONE. God is watching."
    Moving further along the lunch line, at the other end of the table was a
    large pile of chocolate chip cookies. A child had written a note, "Take
    all you want - God is watching the apples.

  10. #55
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    A teacher was giving a lesson on the circulation of the blood. Trying to make the matter clearer, she said, "Now, class, if I stood on my head, the blood, as you know, would run into it, and I would turn red in the face.." "Yes," the class said. "Then why is it that while I am standing upright in the ordinary position the blood doesn't run into my feet?" A little fellow shouted, "Cause your feet ain't empty."

  11. #56
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    "Oh, I don't know," said Rather, "How about politics? Should we keep Bush as president or elect Kerry?"

    "OK," said Tommy, "That could be an interesting topic but let me ask you a question first. A horse, a cow and a deer all eat grass. The same stuff. Yet a deer excretes little pellets, while a cow turns out flat patties, and a horse excretes clumps of dried grass. Why do you think that is?"

    "Jeez," replied Rather, "I have no idea."

    "Well, then," said Tommy, "How is it you feel qualified to discuss who should run the country when you don't know $hit?"
    CAUTION: Dodges in the mirror may be slower than they appear...

  12. #57
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    Driving to the office this morning on the Interstate, I looked over to my left and there was a woman in a brand new Cadillac doing 65 mph with her face up next to her rear view mirror putting on her eyeliner. I looked away for a couple seconds and when I looked back she was halfway over in my lane, still working on that makeup.

    As a man, I don't scare easily. But she scared me so much; I dropped my electric shaver, which knocked the donut out of my other hand. In all the confusion of trying to straighten out the car using my knees against the steering wheel, it knocked my cell phone away from my ear which fell into the coffee between my legs, splashed, and burned Big Jim and the Twins, ruined the damn phone, soaked my trousers, and disconnected an important call.

    Damn women drivers ! !

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    A 6 year old and a 4 year old are upstairs in their bedroom. "you know what? says the 6 year old. "I think it's about time we started cussing." The 4 year old nods his head in approval. The 6 year old continues, "When we go downstairs for breakfast, I'm gonna say something with 'hell' and you say something with 'a$$'. The 4 year old agrees with enthusiasm.
    When their mother walks into the kitchen and asks the 6 year old what he wants for breakfast, he replies, "Aw, hell, Mom, I guess I'll have some Cheerios." WHACK! He flies out of his chair, tumbles across the kitchen floor, gets up, and runs upstairs crying his eyes out, with his mother in hot pursuit, slapping his rear with every step. His mom locks him in his room and shouts, "You can just stay there until I let you out!"

    She then comes back downstairs, looks at the 4 year old and asks witha stern voice, "And what do YOU want for breakfast, young man?" "I don't know," he blubbers, "but you can bet your fat a$$ it won't be Cheerios."

  14. #59
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    I'm Your Worst Nightmare. I am a BAD American.
    I like big cars, big cigars and naturally big tits.
    I believe the money I make belongs to me and my family, not some mid-level govern****** functionary with a bad comb-over who wants to give it away to crack addicts squirting out babies.
    I don't care about appearing compassionate.
    I think playing with guns doesn't make you a killer.
    I believe it's called the Boy Scouts for a reason.
    I think I'm better than the homeless.
    I don't think being a minority makes you noble or victimized.
    I don't care if you call me a racist, a homophobe or a misogynist. I am not tolerant of others because they are different.
    I know that no matter how big Jennifer Lopez's *** gets, I'll still want to see it.
    I don't celebrate Kwanzaa.
    I believe that if you are selling me a Big Mac, you do it in English.
    I like my porn without silicon.
    I don't use the excuse "it's for the children" as a shield for unpopular opinions or actions.
    I want to know when MTV became such crap.
    I think getting a hummer is sex, and every man is entitled to at least one extremely sloppy one per month.
    I didn't think the Taco Bell dog was funny.
    I want them to bring back safe and sane fireworks.
    I believe no one ever died because of something Ozzy Osbourne, Ice-T or Marilyn Manson sang.
    I think that being a student doesn't give you any more enlightenment than working at Blockbuster.
    I don't want to eat or drink anything with the words light, lite or fat-free on the package.
    I believe everyone has a right to pray to his or her God or gods, and they can do it in their schools.
    My heroes are John Wayne, Ronald Reagan and whoever canceled Dr. Quinn, Medicine Woman.
    I think creative violence and useless nudity and sex makes movies more interesting.
    I don't hate the rich. I don't pity the poor.
    I know wrestling is fake, but I still think Goldberg could kick my butt.
    I think global warming is junk science.
    I think you can respect and admire women while ******ly undressing them.
    I believe a self-righteous liberal with a cause is more dangerous than a Play Station.
    I want to know which church is it exactly, where the Rev. Jessie Jackson preaches.
    I don't care where Ellen puts her tongue.
    I think explosions are cool.
    I think the cops have every right to shoot your sorry *** if you're running from them.
    I thought Spinal Tap was great, but Rob Reiner can still kiss my backside.
    I worry about dying before I get even.
    I like the convenience of buying oranges while waiting at a stop-light, and I'm pretty sure the Latin midget selling them to me is glad she no longer lives in a refrigerator packing carton outside Ensenada.
    I think turkey bacon sucks.
    I want somebody to explain to me exactly why it's wrong when I am watching a freeway chase, to be sure that the losers the police eventually pull out of the car are gonna be gang-banging hommies or vatos.
    I believe that it doesn't take a village to raise a child, it takes a parent.
    Tattoos and piercings are fine if you want them, but please don't pretend they're a political statement.
    I like hard women, hard liquor and a hard bowel movement first thing in the morning.
    I believe you don't have to speak with a lisp to pick out a couch for your living room.
    I'll admit that the only movies that ever made me cry was Sands of Iwo Jima and Ole Yeller.
    I didn't realize Dr. Seuss was a genius until I had a kid.
    I will not conform or compromise just to keep from hurting somebody's feelings.
    Sometimes I throw my soft drink can in the trash, even when the recycle bin is just a few more steps.
    Making love is fine, but sometimes I just wanna get laid.
    I'm neither angry nor disenfranchised, no matter how desperately the mainstream media would like the world to believe otherwise.

    Yes, I'm a bad American.
    Jim Magee
    Jonesboro, AR (arkansas)
    NHTOC #124
    2006 HD #3053

    2002 DSG #803
    - born 3/8/2002
    - died 11/6/2005 RIP...
    Nature is cruel!!

  15. #60
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    WHY MEN DIE FIRST: This question has gone unanswered, but now we know.
    If you put a woman on a pedestal and try to protect her...you're a male chauvinist.
    If you stay home and do the housework .....you're a pansy.
    If you work too hard...there's never any time for her.
    If you don't work enough...you're a good-for-nothing bum.
    If she has a boring repetitive job with low pay...this is exploitation.
    If you have a boring repetitive job with low pay.....you should get off your lazy butt and find something better.
    If you get a promotion ahead of her.....that is favoritism.
    If she gets a job ahead of you......it's equal opportunity.
    If you mention how nice she looks......it's sexual harassment.
    If you keep quiet..........it's male in difference.
    If you cry............you're a wimp.
    If you don't........you're an insensitive bastard.
    If you make a decision without consulting her.........you're a chauvinist.
    If she makes a decision without consulting you......she's a liberated woman.
    If you ask her to do something she doesn't enjoy....... that's domination.
    If SHE asks you.........it's a favor.
    If you appreciate the female form and frilly underwear......you're a pervert.
    If you don't..............you're gay.
    If you like a woman to shave her legs and keep in shape..............you're sexist.
    If you don't................you're unromantic.
    If you try to keep yourself in shape................you're vain.
    If you don't................you're a slob.
    If you buy her flowers.............you're after something.
    If you don't....................you're not thoughtful.
    If you're proud of your achievements........you're full of yourself.
    If you don't....................you're not ambitious.
    If she has a headache............she's tired.
    If you have a headache.............you don't love her anymore.
    If you want it too often.........you're oversexed.
    If you don't..........there must be someone else.

    Men die first because they want to.

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