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Thread: How about a HUMOR/LAUGHTER/JOKE gallery?? Post 'em here

  1. #61
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    A new priest at his first mass was so nervous he could hardly speak. After mass he asked the monsignor how he had done. The monsignor replied, "When I am worried about getting nervous on the pulpit, I put a glass of vodka next to the water glass. If I start to get nervous, I take "a sip."
    So next Sunday he took the monsignor's advice. At the beginning of the sermon, he got nervous and took a drink. He proceeded to talk up a storm. Upon his return to his office after mass, he found the following note on the door:

    1. Sip the Vodka, don't gulp.
    2. There are 10 commandments, not 12.
    3. There are 12 disciples, not 10.
    4. Jesus was consecrated, not constipated.
    5. Jacob wagered his donkey, he did not bet his ***.
    6. We do not refer to Jesus Christ as the late J. C.
    7. The Father, Son, and Holy Ghost are not referred to as daddy, junior and the spook.
    8. David slew Goliath, he did not kick the **** out of him.
    9. When David was hit by a rock and knocked off his donkey, don't say he was stoned off his ***.
    10. We do not refer to the cross as the "Big T."
    11. When Jesus broke the bread at the Last Supper he said, "Take this and eat it for it is my body." He did not say "Eat me"
    12. The Virgin Mary is not called "Mary with the Cherry,"
    13. The recommended grace before a meal is not: Rub-A-Dub-Dub thanks for the grub, yeah God.
    14. Next Sunday there will be a taffy pulling contest at St. Peter's, not a peter pulling contest at St. Taffy's.
    Jim Magee
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    - died 11/6/2005 RIP...
    Nature is cruel!!

  2. #62
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    Originally posted by Mako
    1. Sip the Vodka, don't gulp.
    2. There are 10 commandments, not 12.
    3. There are 12 disciples, not 10.
    4. Jesus was consecrated, not constipated.
    5. Jacob wagered his donkey, he did not bet his ***.
    6. We do not refer to Jesus Christ as the late J. C.
    7. The Father, Son, and Holy Ghost are not referred to as daddy, junior and the spook.
    8. David slew Goliath, he did not kick the **** out of him.
    9. When David was hit by a rock and knocked off his donkey, don't say he was stoned off his ***.
    10. We do not refer to the cross as the "Big T."
    11. When Jesus broke the bread at the Last Supper he said, "Take this and eat it for it is my body." He did not say "Eat me"
    12. The Virgin Mary is not called "Mary with the Cherry,"
    13. The recommended grace before a meal is not: Rub-A-Dub-Dub thanks for the grub, yeah God.
    14. Next Sunday there will be a taffy pulling contest at St. Peter's, not a peter pulling contest at St. Taffy's.
    As a devoted Catholic, I am ashamed.........

    at how hard I laughed reading that.;i
    '02 DSG HD F-150
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  3. #63
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    There was a midget down in Texas whose testicles hurt and ached almost all the time. The midget went to the doctor and told him about his problem.

    The doctor told him to drop his pants and he would have a look. The midget dropped his pants. The doctor stood him up onto the examining table and started examining him.

    He put one finger under his left testicle and told the midget to turn his head and cough, the usual method to check for a hernia. "Aha!" mumbled the doc and, as he put his finger under the right testicle, he asked themidget to cough again. "Aha!" said the doctor again and reached for his surgical scissors.

    Snip-snip-snip-snip on the right side, then snip-snip-snip-snip on the left side. The midget was so scared he was afraid to look, but noted with amazement that the snipping did not hurt.

    The doctor then told him to walk around the examining room to see if his testicles still hurt. The midget was absolutely delighted as he walked around and discovered his testicles were no longer
    aching. The doctor said, "How does that feel now?"

    The midget said, "Perfect, Doc, and I didn't even feel it. What did you do?"

    "I cut two inches off the top of your cowboy boots," replied the doctor.

  4. #64
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    lol

  5. #65
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    New Computer Virus list.....

    The George Bush Virus - Causes your computer to keep looking for viruses of mass destruction.

    The Clinton Virus - Gives you a permanent Hard Drive with NO memory.

    The Al Gore Virus - Causes your computer to just keep counting and re-counting.

    The Bob Dole (aka Viagra) Virus - Makes a new hard drive out of an old floppy.

    The Lewinsky Virus - Sucks all the memory out of your computer, then e-mails everyone about what it did.

    The Arnold Schwarzenegger Virus - Terminates some files, leaves, but will be back.

    The Mike Tyson Virus - Quits after two bytes.

    The Oprah Winfrey Virus - Your 200 GB hard drive shrinks to 100 GB, then slowly expands to re-stabilize around 150 GB.

    The Ellen Degeneres Virus - Disks can no longer be inserted.

    The Prozac Virus - Totally screws up your RAM, but your processor doesn't care.

    The Joey Buttafuoco Virus - Only attacks minor files.

    The Lorena Bobbitt Virus - Reformats your hard drive into a 3.5 inch floppy, then discards it through Windows.

  6. #66
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    Grandpa and Grandma were visiting the kids overnight, when Grandpa found a bottle of Viagra in his son's medicine cabinet. He asked the son about using one of the pills, and the son said "I don't think you should take one; they're very strong and very expensive."

    "How much?" asked Grandpa.
    $10.00 a pill," answered the son.
    "I don't care," said Grandpa, "I'd like to try one, and I'll leave the money under your pillow as soon as I break this $50.00 bill."

    The next morning the son found $110.00 under his pillow. He said to Grandpa, "I told you each pill was $10.00, not $110.00."

    "I know," said Grandpa. "The hundred is from Grandma."

  7. #67
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    Shortest Job interview...ever!
    Attached Images Attached Images
    NHTOC #166

    03 non-HD Supercrew...das boat hauler!

  8. #68
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    where can I buy this?
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  9. #69
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    .
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  10. #70
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    Think your job sucks??

    If you have a little time and want to feel better about what you do-- go read this guys page.. He actually writes what most of us think every time we go to Wal-Mart...
    I think I would have to have myself committed- or drink heavily!!

    http://www.wallyworldlife.com/index.html ;t

  11. #71
    Just my Pickup & my Dog
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    An Oldie but Goodie "Tech Support"

    Dear Tech Support:
    > > >
    > > > Last year I upgraded from Girlfriend 7.0 to Wife 1.0. I soon noticed
    > > > that the new program began unexpected child processing that took up a
    > > > lot of space and valuable resources. No mention of this was included
    > > > with the product information. In addition, Wife 1.0 installed itself
    > > > into all other programs and now launches during system initialization,
    > > > where it monitors all other system activity. Applications such as Poker
    > > > Night 10.3, Football 5.0, Hunting and Fishing 7.5, and Racing 3.6 no
    > > > longer run, crashing the system whenever selected. I can't seem to keep
    > > > Wife 1.0 in the background while attempting to run my favorite
    > > > applications. I'm thinking about going back to Girlfriend 7.0, but the
    > > > uninstall doesn't work on Wife 1.0.
    > > >
    > > > Please help! Thanks, A Troubled User.
    > > >
    > > > REPLY:
    > > >
    > > > Dear Troubled User:
    > > >
    > > > This is a very common problem that men complain about. It is due to a
    > > > primary misconception. Many people upgrade from Girlfriend 7.0 to Wife
    > > > 1.0, thinking that it is merely a Utilities and Entertainment program.
    > > > Wife 1.0 is an OPERATING SYSTEM and is designed by its Creator to run
    > > > EVERYTHING!!! It is also impossible to delete Wife 1.0 and to return to
    > > > Girlfriend 7.0. Hidden operating systems files cause Girlfriend 7.0 to
    > > > emulate Wife 1.0, so nothing is gained. It is impossible to uninstall,
    > > > delete, or purge the program files from the system once installed. You
    > > > cannot go back to Girlfriend 7.0 because Wife 1.0 is designed to not
    > > > allow this. Some have tried Girlfriend 8.0 or Wife 2.0 but end up with
    > > > more problems than in the original system. Look in your Wife 1.0 manual
    > > > under "Warnings-Alimony/Child Support." I recommend that you keep Wife
    > > > 1.0 and work on improving the situation. I suggest installing the
    > > > background application "Yes Dear" to alleviate software augmentation.
    > > > Having installed Wife 1.0 myself, I also suggest that you read the
    > > > entire section regarding 'General Partnership Faults'! (GPFs.) Your Wife
    > > > 1.0 does a scan for GPFs during it's monthly program maintenance scan
    > > > (PMS). You must assume joint responsibility for any faults and problems
    > > > that occur, regardless of their cause. You will also find that GPFs are
    > > > cyclical. The best course of action is to enter the command
    > > > C:\APOLOGIZE. Avoid excessive use of C:\YESDEAR because ultimately you
    > > > will have to give the APOLOGIZE command before the system will return to
    > > > normal anyway. Remember, the system will run smoothly as long as you
    > > > share the blame for all GPFs. Wife 1.0 is a great program, but it tends
    > > > to be very high maintenance. Wife 1.0 comes with several support
    > > > programs, such as Clean and Sweep 3.0, Cook It 1.5 (which replaces Burn
    > > > It 1.0), and Do Bills 4.2. You must, however, be very careful how you
    > > > use these programs. Improper use will cause the system to launch the
    > > > program Nag 9.5. Once this happens, the only way to improve the
    > > > performance of Wife 1.0 is to purchase additional software. I recommend
    > > > Flowers 2.1 and Diamonds 5.0 should this happen. WARNING!!! DO NOT,
    > > > under any circumstances, install Secretary With Short Skirt 3.3. This
    > > > application is not supported by Wife 1.0 and will cause irreversible
    > > > damage to the operating system.
    > > >
    > > > Best of luck, Tech Support.

    SoCal Band of Crappers..Uhh minus Chromey

  12. #72
    Just my Pickup & my Dog
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    Why We Love Children

    Why We Love Children





    1. A kindergarten pupil told his teacher he'd found a cat, but it was

    dead.

    "How do you know that the cat was dead?" she asked her pupil.

    "Because I pissed in its ear and it didn't move," answered the child innocently.

    You did WHAT ? ! ?" the teacher exclaimed in surprise.

    "You know,"explained the boy, "I leaned over and went 'Pssst!' and it didn't move."





    2. A small boy is sent to bed by his father.

    Five minutes later....."Da-ad...."

    "What?"

    "I'm thirsty. Can you bring drink of water?"

    "No, You had your chance. Lights out."

    Five minutes later: "Da-aaaad....."

    "WHAT?"

    "I'm THIRSTY. Can I have a drink of water??"

    I told you NO! If you ask again, I'll have to spank you!!"

    Five minutes later......"Daaaa-aaaad....."

    "WHAT!"

    "When you come in to spank me, can you bring a drink of water?"



    3. An exasperated mother, whose son was always getting into mischief,

    finally asked him "How do you expect to get into Heaven?"

    The boy thought it over and said,

    "Well, I'll run in and out and in and out and keep slamming the door until St. Peter says, 'For Heaven's sake, Dylan, come in or stay out!'"



    4. One summer evening during a violent thunderstorm a mother was tucking

    her son into bed.

    She was about to turn off the light when he asked with a tremor in his voice, "Mommy, will you sleep with me tonight?"

    The mother smiled and gave him a reassuring hug.

    "I can't dear," she said. "I have to sleep in Daddy's room."

    A long silence was broken at last by his shaky little voice:

    "The big sissy."



    5. It was that time, during the Sunday morning service, for the

    children's

    sermon. All the children were invited to come forward.

    One little girl was wearing a particularly pretty dress and, as she sat down, the pastor leaned over and said, "That is a very pretty dress. Is it your Easter Dress?"

    The little girl replied, directly into the pastor's clip-on microphone, "Yes, and my Mom says it's a ***** to iron."



    6 When I was six months pregnant with my third child, my three year old came into the room when I was just getting ready to get into the shower. She said, "Mommy, you are getting fat!"

    I replied, "Yes, honey, remember Mommy has a baby growing in her tummy."

    "I know," she replied, but what's growing in your butt?"



    7 A little boy was doing his math homework. He said to himself, "Two plus five, that son of a ***** is seven.

    Three plus six, that son of a ***** is nine...."

    His mother heard what he was saying and gasped, "What are you doing?"

    The little boy answered, "I'm doing my math homework, Mom."

    "And this is how your teacher taught you to do it?" the mother asked..

    "Yes," he answered.

    Infuriated, the mother asked the teacher the next day, "What are you teaching my son in math?"

    The teacher replied, "Right now, we are learning addition."

    The mother asked, "And are you teaching them to say two plus two, that son of a ***** is four?"

    After the teacher stopped laughing, she answered, "What I taught them was, two plus two, THE SUM OF WHICH, is four."



    8. One day the first grade teacher was reading the story of Chicken

    Little

    to her class. She came to the part of the story where Chicken Little tried to warn the farmer. She read, ".... and so Chicken Little went up to the farmer and said, "The sky is falling, the sky is falling!"

    The teacher paused then asked the class, "And what do you think that farmer said?"

    One little girl raised her hand and said, "I think he said: 'Holy ****! A talking chicken!'"

    The teacher was unable to teach for the next 10 minutes.



    9. A certain little girl, when asked her name, would reply,

    "I'm Mr. Sugarbrown's daughter."

    Her mother told her this was wrong, she must say, "I'm Jane Sugarbrown."

    The Vicar spoke to her in Sunday School, and said, "Aren't you Mr.

    Sugarbrown's daughter?"

    She replied, "I thought I was, but mother says I'm not."





    10 A little girl asked her mother, "Can I go outside and play with the boys?"

    Her mother replied, "No, you can't play with the boys, they're too rough."

    The little girl thought about it for a few moments and asked, "If I can find a smooth one, can I play with him?"





    11. A little girl goes to the barber shop with her father.

    She stands next to the barber chair, while her dad gets his hair cut, eating a snack cake The barber says to her, "Sweetheart, you're gonna get hair on your Twinkie."

    She says, "Yes, I know, and I'm gonna get boobs too."

  13. #73
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    yikes! please don't let them breed!!

    2003 Idiot of the Year Awards
    Number One Idiot of 2003
    I am a medical student currently doing a rotation in toxicology at
    the poison control center. Today, this woman called in very upset
    because she caught her little daughter eating ants. I quickly reassured her that the ants are not harmful and there would be no need to bring her daughter into the hospital. She calmed down and at the end of the conversation happened to mention that she gave her daughter some ant poison to eat in order to kill the ants. I told her that she better bring her daughter into the emergency room right away.

    Number Two Idiot of 2003

    Early this year, some Boeing employees on the airfield decided to
    steal a life raft from one of the 747s. They were successful in getting it out of the plane and home. Shortly after they took it for a float on the river, they noticed a Coas t Guard helicopter coming towards them. It turned out that the chopper was homing in on the emergency locator beacon that activated when the raft was inflated. They are no longer employed at Boeing.

    Number Three Idiot of 2003

    A true story out of San Francisco: A man, wanting to rob a downtown Bank of America, walked into the branch and wrote "this iz a stikkup. Put all your muny in this bag." While standing in line, waiting to give his note to the teller, he began to worry that someone had seen him write the note and might call the police before he reached the teller's window. So he left the Bank of America and crossed the street to Wells Fargo. After waiting a few minutes in line, he handed his note to the Wells Fargo teller. She read it and, surmising from his spelling errors that he wasn't the brightest light in the harbor, told him that she could not accept his stickup note becaus e it was written on a
    Bank of America deposit slip and that he would either have to fill out a Wells Fargo deposit slip or go back to Bank of America. Looking somewhat defeated, the man said, "OK" and left. He was arrested a few minutes later, as he was waiting in line back at Bank of America.

    Number Four Idiot of 2003

    A guy walked into a little corner store with a shotgun and demanded all of the cash from the cash drawer. After the cashier put the cash in a bag, the robber saw a bottle of Scotch that he wanted behind the counter on the shelf. He told the cashier to put it in the bag as well, but the cashier refused and said, "because I don't believe you are over 21". The robber said he was, but the clerk still refused to give it to him because
    he didn't believe him. At this point, the robber took his driver's
    license out of his wallet and gave it to the clerk. The clerk looked it over and agreed that the man was i n fact over 21 and he put the Scotch in the bag. The robber then ran from the store with his loot. The cashier promptly called the police and gave the name and address of the robber that he got off the license.
    They arrested the robber two hours later.

    Idiot Number Five of 2003

    A pair of Michigan robbers entered a record shop nervously waving revolvers. The first one shouted, "Nobody move!" When his partner moved, the startled first bandit shot him.

    Idiot Number Six of 2003

    Seems this guy wanted some beer pretty badly. He decided that he'd just throw a cinder block through a liquor store window, grab some booze, and run. So he lifted the cinder block and heaved it over his head at the window. The cinder block bounced back and hit the would be thief on the head , knocking him unconscious. It seems the liquor store window was made of plexiglass. The whole event was caught on videotape.

    Idiot Number Seven of 2003

    Ann Arbor: The Ann Arbor News crime column reported that a man
    walked into a Burger King in Ypsilanti, Michigan at 12:50 A. M., flashed a gun and demanded cash. The clerk turned him down because he said he couldn't open the cash register without a food order. When the man ordered onion rings, the clerk said they weren't available for breakfast. The man, frustrated, walked away.

    Please note that all of the above people are allowed to vote (and breed) Scary, isn't it?!

  14. #74
    Lappy 486!
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    Next time you use a pair of rubber gloves you can remember this joke:

    A dentist noticed that his next patient, a little old lady, was nervous so
    he decided to tell her a little joke as he put on his gloves.
    "Do you know how they make these gloves?" he asked.

    "No, I don't."

    "Well," he spoofed, "there's a building in Mexico with a big tank of latex
    and workers of all hand sizes walk up to the tank, dip in their hands, let
    them dry, then peel off the gloves and throw them into boxes of the right
    size."

    She didn't crack a smile. "Oh, well. I tried," he thought.

    But five minutes later, during a delicate portion of the procedure, she
    burst out laughing.

    "What's so funny?" he asked.

    "I was just envisioning how condoms are made!"

    Gotta watch those little old ladies! Their minds are always working!

  15. #75
    #4954, 12APR01
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    IMAGINE THIS:
    There is more money being spent on breast implants and Viagra than on Alzheimer's research.

    This means that by 2020, there should be a large elderly population with perky boobs and huge erections and absolutely no recollection of what to do with them.

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