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Thread: How about a HUMOR/LAUGHTER/JOKE gallery?? Post 'em here

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    How about a HUMOR/LAUGHTER/JOKE gallery?? Post 'em here

    I have come across several KEEPERS/CLASSICS here. Would be nice if we can all come to one place to relax, unwind, laugh, let loose a little and for just a few seconds...not have a care in the world.

    here's a few for starters:
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    Laugh

    another one:
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    OK, not the best..but something to get the ball rolling
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    Smile

    last one
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    thise set forwarded by 100th#2888

    Marshall, thanks
    PROVERBS from the FAR EAST

    1. Virginity like bubble, one pr*ck, all gone.

    2. Man who run in front of car get tired.

    3. Man who run behind car get exhausted.

    4. Man with hand in pocket feel ****y all day.

    5. Foolish man give wife grand piano, wise man give wife upright organ..

    6. Man who walk through airport turnstile sideways going to Bangkok.

    7. Man who scratch *ss should not bite fingernails.

    8. Man who eat many prunes get good run for money.

    9. Baseball is wrong: man with four balls cannot walk.

    10. War does not determine who is right, war determine who is left.

    11. Wife who put husband in doghouse soon find him in cat house.

    12. Man who fight with wife all day get no piece at night

    13. It take many nails to build crib, but one screw to fill it.

    14. Man who drive like hell, bound to get there.

    15. Man who stand on toilet is high on pot

    16. Man who live in glass house should change clothes in basement.

    17. Man who fish in other man's well often catch crabs.

    18. Man who fart in church sit in own pew.

    19. Crowded elevator smell different to midget.

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    #4954, 12APR01
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    to pee or not to pee?

    This may be a WHOOPEE for those that have a "golden shower" fetish
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    Laugh here you go!!The Preacher

    THE PREACHER
    > > >
    > > >
    > > > THERE WAS A PREACHER WHOSE WIFE WAS EXPECTING A >>>>BABY.
    > > > THE PREACHER WENT TO THE CONGREGATION AND ASKED >>>>FOR A RAISE.
    > > >
    > > > AFTER MUCH CONSIDERATION AND DISCUSSION,
    > > > THEY PASSED A RULE THAT WHENEVER
    > > > THE PREACHER'S FAMILY EXPANDED,
    > > > SO WOULD HIS PAYCHECK.AFTER 5 OR 6 CHILDREN, THIS >>>>STARTED TO GET
    > > > EXPENSIVE AND THE CONGREGATION
    > > >
    > > > DECIDED TO HOLD ANOTHER MEETING
    > > > TO DISCUSS THE PREACHER'S PAY.
    > > >
    > > > THERE WAS MUCH YELLING AND BICKERING
    > > > ABOUT HOW MUCH THE CLERGYMAN'S
    > > >
    > > > ADDITIONAL CHILDREN WERE COSTING THE CHURCH.
    > > >
    > > > FINALLY, THE PREACHER GOT UP AND SPOKE THE >>>>CROWD,
    > > > "HAVING CHILDREN IS AN ACT OF GOD!"
    > > >
    > > > IN THE BACK OF THE ROOM, A LITTLE OLD
    > > > MAN STOOD UP ! AND IN HIS FRAIL
    > > > VOICE SAID ....
    > > >
    > > > "SNOW AND RAIN ARE ALSO ACTS OF GOD,
    > > > BUT WHEN WE GET TOO MUCH, WE WEAR RUBBERS."
    Physics is only for idiots that just won't accept that stuff happens and leave it at that! Physics Class sucks~!

    "Yah.....I'm going to need you to come into work tomorrow!!!And Sunday too!!" ( Office Space)

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    Thumbs up Parrots

    A Couple Of Naughty Parrots


    A lady approaches her priest and says, "Father, I have a problem. I have two female talking parrots, but they only know how to say one thing." "What do they say?" the priest inquires. "They only know how to say, 'Hi, we're prostitutes. Want to have some fun?'" "That's terrible," the priest exclaims, "but I have a solution to your problem. Bring your two female parrots over to my house, and I will put them with my two male talking parrots whom I taught to pray and read the bible. My parrots will teach your parrots to stop saying that terrible phrase, and your female parrots will learn to praise and worship." "Thank you!" the woman responds. The next day, the woman brings her female parrots to the priest's house. His two male parrots are holding rosary beads and praying in their cage. The lady puts her two female parrots in with the male parrots, and the female parrots say, "Hi, we're prostitutes, want to have some fun?" One male parrot looks at the other male parrot and exclaims, "Put the beads away. Our prayers have been answered!"

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    Experiment! .....pretty good!

    Psychology In Your Face


    A very shy guy goes into a bar and sees a beautiful woman sitting at the bar. After an hour of gathering up his courage he finally goes over to her and asks, tentatively, "Um, would you mind if I chatted with you for a while?" She responds by yelling, at the top of her lungs, "No, I won't sleep with you tonight!" Everyone in the bar is now staring at them. Naturally, the guy is hopelessly and completely embarrassed and he slinks back to his table. After a few minutes, the woman walks over to him and apologizes. She smiles at him and says, "I'm sorry if I embarrassed you. You see, I'm a graduate student in psychology and I'm studying how people respond to embarrassing situations." To which he responds, at the top of his lungs, "What do you mean, $200?"

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    Laugh Boy buys condoms!

    The Naughty Boyfriend


    A girl asks her boyfriend to come over Friday night and have dinner with her parents. This being a big event, the girl tells her boyfriend that after dinner, she would like to go out and "do it" for the first time. Well, the boy is ecstatic, but he has never done it before, so he takes a trip to the pharmacist to get some protection. The pharmacist helps the boy for about an hour. He tells the boy everything there is to know about protection and doing it. At the register, the pharmacist asks the boy how many he'd like to buy; a 3-pack, a 10-pack, or a family pack. The boy insists on the family pack because he thinks he will be very busy, it being his first time and all. That night, the boy shows up at the girl's parent's house and meets his girlfriend at the door. "Oh I'm so excited for you to meet my parents, come on in." The boy goes inside and is taken to the dinner table where the girl's parents are seated. The boy quickly offers to say grace and bows his head. A minute passes, and the boy still deep in prayer with his head down. Ten minutes pass and still no movement from the boy. Finally, after 20 minutes with his head down, the girlfriend leans over and whispers to her boyfriend, "I had no idea you were so religious." The boy turns and whispers back, "I had no idea your father was a pharmacist."

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    here's one for you!

    Nest time your having a bad day-- think of this guy!
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    btretired
    Good one, man. Think some of these condoms might cheer him up?
    http://www.nhtoc.com/vbforum/showthr...threadid=13200

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    Laugh

    If those don't help-- you could always read a good book...
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    INEXPERIENCED CHILI JUDGE (kinda long)

    Notes From An Inexperienced Chili Tester Named FRANK, who was visiting Texas from the East Coast: "Recently, I was honored to be selected as a judge at a chili cook-off. The original person called in sick at the last moment and I happened to be standing there at the judge's table asking directions to the beer wagon, when the call came. I was assured by the other two judges (Native Texans) that the chili wouldn't be all that spicy, and besides, they told me I could have free beer during the tasting. So I accepted."

    Here are the scorecards from the event:

    CHILI # 1 MIKE'S MANIAC MOBSTER MONSTER CHILI

    JUDGE ONE: A little too heavy on tomato. Amusing kick.

    JUDGE TWO: Nice, smooth tomato flavor. Very mild.

    FRANK: Holy ****, what the hell is this stuff? You could remove dried paint from your driveway. Took me two beers to put the flames out. I hope that's the worst one. These Texans are crazy.

    CHILI # 2 ARTHUR'S AFTERBURNER CHILI

    JUDGE ONE: Smokey, with a hint of pork. Slight Jalapeno tang.

    JUDGE TWO: Exciting BBQ flavor, needs more peppers to be taken
    seriously.

    FRANK: Keep this out of the reach of children I'm not sure what I am supposed to taste besides pain. I had to wave off two people who wanted to give me the Heimlich maneuver. They had to rush in more beer when they saw the look on my face.

    CHILI # 3 FRED'S FAMOUS BURN DOWN THE BARN CHILI

    JUDGE ONE: Excellent firehouse chili! Great kick. Needs more beans.

    JUDGE TWO: A beanless chili, a bit salty, good use of peppers.

    FRANK: Call the EPA, I've located a uranium spill. My nose feels like I have been snorting Drano. Everyone knows the routine by now get me more beer before I ignite. Barmaid pounded me on the back; now my backbone is in the front part of my chest. I'm getting ****-faced from all the beer.

    CHILI # 4 BUBBA'S BLACK MAGIC

    JUDGE ONE: Black bean chili with almost no spice. Disappointing.

    JUDGE TWO: Hint of lime in the black beans. Good side dish for fish or other mild foods, not much of a chili.

    FRANK: I felt something scraping across my tongue, but was unable to taste it, is it possible to burnout taste buds? Sally, the barmaid, was standing behind me with fresh refills; that 300 lb. ***** is starting to look HOT, just like this nuclear waste I'm eating. Is chili an aphrodisiac?

    CHILI # 5 LINDA'S LEGAL LIP REMOVER

    JUDGE ONE: Meaty, strong chili. Cayenne peppers freshly ground, adding considerable kick. Very Impressive.

    JUDGE TWO: Chili using shredded beef, could use more tomato. Must admit the cayenne peppers make a strong statement.

    FRANK: My ears are ringing, sweat is pouring off my forehead and I can no longer focus my eyes. I farted and four people behind me needed paramedics. The contestant seemed offended when I told her that her chili had given me brain damage, Sally saved my tongue from bleeding by pouring beer directly on it from a pitcher. I wonder if I'm burning my lips off? It really pisses me off that the other judges asked me to stop screaming. Screw those rednecks!

    CHILI # 6 VERA'S VERY VEGETARIAN VARIETY

    JUDGE ONE: Thin yet bold vegetarian variety chili. Good balance of spice and peppers.

    JUDGE TWO: The best yet. Aggressive use of peppers, onions, and garlic. Superb.

    FRANK: My intestines are now a straight pipe filled with gaseous,
    sulfuric flames. I **** myself when I farted and I'm worried it will eat through the chair. No one seems inclined to stand behind me except that **** Sally. She must be kinkier than I thought. Can't feel my lips anymore. I need to wipe my *** with a snow cone!

    CHILI # 7 SUSAN'S SCREAMING SENSATION CHILI

    JUDGE ONE: A mediocre chili with too much reliance on canned peppers.

    JUDGE TWO: Ho Hum, tastes as if the chef literally threw in a can of chili peppers at the last moment. I should take note that I am worried about Judge Number 3, He appears to be in a bit of distress as he is cursing uncontrollably.

    FRANK: You could put a grenade in my mouth, pull the pin, and I wouldn't feel a damn thing. I've lost sight in one eye, and the world sounds like it is made of rushing water. My shirt is covered with chili, which slid unnoticed out of my mouth. My pants are full of lava-like **** to match my damn shirt. At least during the autopsy they'll know what killed me. I've decided to stop breathing; it's too painful. Screw it. I'm not getting any oxygen anyway. If I need air, I'll just suck it in through the 4-inch hole in my stomach.

    CHILI # 8 LESTER'S LAST OF THE RED-HOT LOVER'S CHILI

    JUDGE ONE: A perfect ending, this is a nice blend chili, safe for all,
    not too bold but spicy enough to declare it's existence.

    JUDGE TWO: This final entry is a good, balanced chili. Neither mild nor hot. Sorry to see that most of it was lost when Judge Number 3 passed out, fell over and pulled the chili pot down on top of himself.

  15. #15
    jpanchalk
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    Laugh

    Who can forget this favorite wartime classic:
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