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Thread: Military Humor

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    ResFirma Mitescere Nescit
    Name: stew

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    Military Humor

    There are two things Marines are always taught:

    1. Keep your priorities in order.

    2. Know when to act without hesitation.

    A college professor, avowed atheist and active member of the A.C.L.U., was teaching his college class. He shocked several of his students when he flatly stated that once and for all he was going to prove that there was no God. Addressing the ceiling he shouted: "GOD, if you are real, then I want you to knock me off this platform. I'll give you exactly 15 minutes!!!!!"

    The lecture room fell silent. You could hear a pin drop. Ten minutes went by. "I'm waiting God, if you're real, knock me off this platform!!!"

    Again after four minutes, the professor taunted God saying, "Here I am, God-!! I'm still waiting!!!"

    His count down got down to the last couple minutes when a US Marine, who was just released from the USMC, after serving in Afghanistan and Iraq and had newly registered for the class, walked up to the Professor. The Marine hit him full force in the face. This sent the Professor tumbling from his platform. The Professor was out cold. The students were stunned and shocked.

    They began to babble in confusion. The Marine nonchalantly took his seat in the front row and sat in silence. The class looked at him and fell silent also ... waiting. Eventually, the professor came to and was noticeably shaken. He looked at the Marine in the front row. When the professor regained his senses and could speak, he asked:

    "What the heck is the matter with you? Why did you do that?"

    The Marine said, "God was really busy, protecting America's soldiers, who are protecting your right to say stupid things and act like an azz.

    So, He sent me."

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    Sir, yes Sir.

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    ResFirma Mitescere Nescit
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    Subject: NEVER ASK A GUNNY



    A young Marine officer was in a serious car accident, but the only visible permanent injury was to both of his ears, which were amputated. Since he wasn't physically impaired he remained in the Marines and actually rose to the rank of General. He was, however, very sensitive about his appearance.



    One day the General was interviewing three Marines for his personal aide.



    The first was an aviator, and it was a great interview. At the end of the interview the General asked him, "Do you notice anything different about me?"



    The young officer answered, "Why yes, sir. I couldn't help but notice that you have no ears." The General got very angry at the officer's lack of tact and threw him out.



    The second interview was with a female Lieutenant, and she was even better. The General asked her the same question, "Do you notice anything different about me?" She replied, "Well, sir, you have no ears." The general threw her out also.



    The third interview was with a Marine Gunny. He was articulate, looked extremely sharp and seemed to know more than the two officers combined (surprise).



    The General wanted this guy, and went ahead with the same question, "Do you notice anything different about me?" To his surprise the Gunny said, "Yes sir, you wear contact lenses." The General was very impressed and thought, what an incredibly observant Gunny, and he didn't mention my ears.



    "And how do you know that I wear contacts?", the General asked.



    The sharp-witted Gunny replied, "Well, sir, it's pretty hard to wear glasses with no ****ing ears."

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    Navy Chief

    A woman meets a Navy Chief in a bar.

    They talk; they connect; they end up leaving together. They go back to his place. As he shows her around his apartment, she is struck by the fact that his bedroom is completely packed with sweet, cuddly teddy bears. There are literally hundreds of teddy bears on three shelves running the length of the room along one wall. Small, adorable teddy bears fill the bottom shelf. Cute Cuddly medium-sized ones adorn a shelf a little higher. Huge enormous bears are perched on the top shelf along the wall. The woman is quite surprised that a Chief would have a collection of teddy bears, especially one that's so extensive. Although she decides not to question him about it, she actually is quite impressed by this unexpected evidence of his sensitive side! She turns to him, invitingly........they kiss softly...........then again.

    Soon their passion has overwhelmed them, and she leads him quietly to the huge king-size bed along the far wall. After spending an intense night of passion with the Chief, and they are lying there together in the afterglow, the woman slowly rolls toward him and asks, smiling, "Well, how was it for you?"

    The Chief, stifling a slight yawn replies: "Help yourself to any prize from the bottom shelf."

    Clint "Shaggy"
    North Florida
    US NAVY CPO

    2002 Shadow Gray HD #08195
    -Moto Blue intake 98mm
    -C&L Trueflow Intake

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    ResFirma Mitescere Nescit
    Name: stew

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    MARINE on TAD
    A Baptist minister was seated next to a Marine on a flight to Memphis.
    After the plane was airborne, drink orders were taken. The Marine asked for a bourbon and soda, which was brought and placed before him.
    The flight attendant then asked the minister if he would like a drink.

    He replied in disgust, "I'd rather be savagely raped by brazen whores than let liquor touch my lips!
    "The Marine then handed his drink back to the attendant, "Me too! I didn't know we had a choice."
    SEMPER-FI

  6. #6
    ResFirma Mitescere Nescit
    Name: stew

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    NO SEX SINCE 1955
    >
    > A crusty old Sergeant Major found himself at a gala event, hosted by
    > a local liberal arts college. There was no shortage of extremely
    > young, idealistic ladies in attendance, one of whom approached the
    > Sergeant Major for conversation.
    >
    > She said, "Excuse me, Sergeant Major, but you seem to be a very
    > serious man. Is something bothering you?"
    >
    > "Negative, ma'am," the Sergeant Major said, "Just serious by nature."
    >
    > The young lady looked at his awards and decorations and said, "It
    > looks like you have seen a lot of action."
    >
    > The Sergeant Major's short reply was, "Yes, ma'am, a lot of action."
    >
    > The young lady, tiring of trying to start up a conversation, said,
    > "You know, you should lighten up a little. Relax and enjoy
    > yourself."
    >
    > The Sergeant Major just stared at her in his serious manner.
    >
    > Finally the young lady said, "You know, I hope you don't take this the
    > wrong way, but when is the last time you had sex?"
    >
    > The Sergeant Major looked at her and replied, "1955."
    >
    > She said, "Well, there you are. You really need to chill out and quit
    > taking everything so seriously! I mean, no sex since 1955! Isn't that
    > a little extreme?"
    >
    > The Sergeant Major, glancing at his watch, said in his matter-of-fact
    > voice, "You think so? It's only 2130 now."

  7. #7
    ResFirma Mitescere Nescit
    Name: stew

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    Ground Crew Humor

    After every flight, Qantas pilots fill out a form, called a "gripe sheet," which tells mechanics about problems with the aircraft. The mechanics correct the problems; document their repairs on the form, and then pilots review the gripe sheets before the next flight.

    Never let it be said that ground crews lack a sense of humor. Here are some actual maintenance complaints submitted by Qantas' pilots (marked with a P) and the solutions recorded (marked with an S) by maintenance engineers. By the way, Qantas is the only major airline that has never had an accident....

    Enjoy!

    P: Left inside main tire almost needs replacement.
    S: Almost replaced left inside main tire.

    P: Test flight OK, except auto-land very rough.
    S: Auto-land not installed on this aircraft.

    P: Something loose in ****pit.
    S: Something tightened in ****pit

    P: Dead bugs on windshield.
    S: Live bugs on back-order.

    P: Autopilot in altitude-hold mode produces a 200 feet per minute descent.
    S: Cannot reproduce problem on ground.

    P: Evidence of leak on right main landing gear.
    S: Evidence removed

    P: DME volume unbelievably loud.
    S: DME volume set to more believable level.

    P: Friction locks cause throttle levers to stick.
    S: That's what they're for.

    P: IFF inoperative.
    S: IFF always inoperative in OFF mode.

    P: Suspected crack in windshield.
    S: Suspect you're right.

    P: Number 3 engine missing.
    S: Engine found on right wing after brief search.

    P: Aircraft handles funny.
    S: Aircraft warned to straighten up, fly right, and be serious.

    P: Target radar hums.
    S: Reprogrammed target radar with lyrics.

    P: Mouse in ****pit.
    S: Cat installed.

    And the best one for last...

    P. Noise coming from under instrument panel. Sounds like a midget pounding on something with a hammer.
    S: Took hammer away from midget.

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