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Thread: Michigan Jokes

  1. #1
    shadyharley
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    SLATE CREEK's Avatar
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    Michigan Jokes

    Q. What does the average Michigan player get on his/her SAT?
    A. Drool.

    Q. How many Wolverines does it take to screw in a lightbulb?
    A. One, but he gets 5 credits for it.

    Q. Why do women from Michigan wear high heels?
    A. To keep their knuckles from dragging on the ground.

    Q. Why doesn't Ohio slide off into the Ohio River?
    A. Because Michigan SUCKS.

    Q. What do you tell the U of M cheerleader to pick her up after she smiles at you?
    A. Nice tooth, babe.

    Q. How do you keep your family safe from a Wolverine?
    A. Move to Pasadena.

    Q. Did you hear the University of Michigan is going to bring back artificial
    turf in their football stadium?
    A. They're tired of the cheerleaders eating all the grass.

    Q. Why did they change the playing field at "The Big House" to cardboard?
    A. Because Michigan has always looked better on paper.

    Q. How do you make Wolverine cookies?
    A. Put them in a big bowl and beat them for three hours.

    Q. What do you say to a Michigan Wolverine in a three piece suit?
    A. Will the defendant please rise.

    Q. What do you call a football player in Michigan who has talent?
    A. An Ohio product

    Q. What's the difference between the Michigan football team and Frosted Flakes?
    A. Frosted Flakes know what to do in a bowl

    Q. Why do University of Michigan graduates keep their diplomas on their dashboard?
    A. So that they can park in handicaped spaces.

    Q. How do you get a Michigan graduate to stop knocking on your door and get off your porch?
    A. Pay for the pizza.

    Q. What do you have when you get 32 Michigan fans togethor?
    A. A full set of teeth.

    Have you heard the news? Lloyd Carr is only going to dress 22 players for the game
    against Ohio State. The rest of the players have to dress themselves.

    If a couple from Ann Arbor get a divorce, are they still brother and sister?

    A guy in a bar leans over to the guy next to him and says, "Wanna hear a
    Michigan joke?" The guy next to him replies, "Well before you tell that
    joke, you should know something. I'm 6' tall, 200 lbs., and I am a Michigan
    alumnus. The guy sitting next to me is 6'2 tall, weighs 225, and he's a
    Michigan alumnus. The fella next to him is 6'5 tall, weighs 250, and he's a
    Michigan alumnus. Now, you still wanna tell that joke?" The first guy says,
    "Nah, not if I'm gonna have to explain it 3 times."

    Three profs go to Tijuana. They had so much fun they were put in jail
    and, justice being what it is, were sentenced to death by electrocution.
    The first Prof sits in the chair. "Any last words?" "Yes, I'm from
    Northwestern and I'm ready to meet my God." But nothing happens when the
    switch is thrown and the Prof is released because it would be cruel and
    unusual to attempt a second excecution. Next guy gets into the chair and
    announces he's from Purdue, etc. and again nothing happens and he is
    released. The third Prof has been watching very closely. When he gets
    into the chair he says, "I'm from U. of Michigan and I'm an Electrical
    Engineer. And if you just connect those two wires..."

    Lloyd carr is on the Ohio 5 yard line in the closing seconds of a game
    tied 14 - 14 and prays for inspiration. He looks to the heavens and says
    "God what play should I call." God answers "throw a flat pass to the
    right". Lloyd calls the play and it is intercepted and returned all the
    way for a touchdown giving Ohio State the win. Lloyd once again looks to
    the heavens and says "God why did you call that play". God pauses and
    says "Hey Woody why did we call that play?"

    When the Heisman trophy winner died and was at the pearly gates, St
    Peter asked what he had accomplished to be allowed in. The football
    player responded with all of his awards, yardage gained, etc and
    suddenly stopped short screaming "Look it is Woody Hayes" as the man
    passed by him. St Peter then corrected him saying, "No, it is God...He
    only thinks he is Woody Hayes"

    A Buckeye fan, a Wolverine fan, a nun and a stunning blonde are riding
    on a train. Suddenly the train heads into a tunnel. A loud smack is
    heard and as the train rides out of the tunnel the Wolverine fan is
    rubbing his face. The nun thinks: "Serves him right for trying to grab
    the blonde." The blonde thinks: "Serves him right for trying to grab the
    nun." The Wolverine fan thinks: "The Buckeyes fan was probably trying to
    grab the blonde, missed her and grabbed the nun instead. Then she tried
    to smack him in the face and missed." The Buckeye fan thinks: "Next
    tunnel I'm going to smack that stupid Wolverine fan again."

    Directions to Michigan........ North till you smell crap, then West till
    you step in it.

    A family of Michigan football supporters head out to do some shopping.
    The son picks up an OSU jersey and tells his mother he's decided to
    become a Buckeye fan and wants this for Christmas. The mother, upset,
    whacks him on the head and says Go see your father! Off he goes with the
    OSU jersey in hand to find his dad. Dad? I've decided I'm going to be an
    OSU fan and want this jersey for Christmas. The father is outraged,
    whacks his son on the head and says No son of mine will ever be seen in
    THAT! On they way home the father says I hope you learned something
    today. The son says Yes, I have. What is it? I've only been a Buckeye
    fan for an hour and I already hate you Michigan idiots.

    A Michigan fan and an Ohio State fan go to the restroom and stand next
    to each other at the urinal. They finish about the same time. The
    Michigan fan goes to the sink to wash his hands and the Ohio State fan
    starts to walk out. The Michigan fan yells that the Ohio State fan and
    says hey in Michigan they teach us to wash our hands after going to the
    bathroom. The Ohio State fan replies back. At Ohio State they teach us
    not to pee on our hands...

    Michigan babies are soo ugly their incubators are tinted.

    A young man hired by a supermarket reported for his first day of work.
    The manager greeted him with a warm handshake and a smile, gave him a
    broom, and said, "Your first job will be to sweep out the store." "But
    I'm a graduate of the University of Michigan," the young man replied
    indignantly. "Oh, I'm sorry. I didn't realize that," said the manager.
    "Here, give me the broom - I'll show you how."

    4 college alumni were climbing a mountain. An Ohio State grad, a
    Michigan grad, a Penn State grad, & a Notre Dame grad. As they climbed
    they began to fight over who was the most spirited alumni & loved their
    school more. As they reached the top the Notre Dame grad hurled himself
    off the mountain. As he fell to his doom he shouted "THIS IS FOR THE
    FIGHTING IRISH!!!" Not wanting to be out done, the Penn State grad then
    shouted "THIS IS FOR THE NITANY LIONS!!!!" and hurled himself off the
    side of the mountain. Of course not wanting to be outdone the Ohio State
    grad shouted " THIS IS FOR THE BUCKEYES" & walked over and pushed the
    Michigan grad over the side of the mountain!!!!!

    A Professor invents an IQ machine that boosts a person's IQ to 300 and
    then starts counting backward. He connects his wife to it, turns it off
    at 190, and she starts explaining quantum physics. He tries it out on
    his brother Bill, turns it off at 175, and Bill starts talking advanced
    calculus. Then he plugs in his cousin Bob. Just then the phone rings,
    and it's a telemarketer. By the time he gets back to unplug Bob, the
    machine is counting down: 14 - 13 - 12. He slams the switch to "off,"
    shakes Bob and screams, "Say something!" and Bob says, "Go blue!"

    A stockbroker, on his way home from work in Columbus, came to a dead
    halt in traffic and thought to himself, "Wow, this seems much worse than
    usual." He notices a police officer walking between the lines of stopped
    cars. The officer replies, "Lloyd Carr is depressed, so he stopped the
    team bus and is threatening to douse himself in gasoline and set himself
    on fire. He is tired of losing to Ohio State every year and the
    university has cut back on his recruiting budget. We're taking up a
    collection for him." The stockbroker asks, "How much have you got so
    far?" The officer replies, "About 75 gallons, but a lot of folks are
    still siphoning."

    An Ann Arbor judge was ruling in the case of a ten year old boy who
    accused his parents of beating him. After reviewing the evidence, the
    judge announced that his intention to make the boy's grandmother his
    custodian. The boy protested this, stating that the grandmother also
    beat the boy. Finally, the judge awarded custody of the boy to Lloyd
    Carr and the Wolverines, since the judge rightly determined that they
    can't beat anybody.

    A Michigan fan was sitting at a table reading the Newspaper, The
    headline read: "12 Brazilian Soldiers Killed." He shook his head at the
    sad news, then turned to the man sitting next to him and asked, "How
    many is a Brazilian?"

    ome friends came to visit us in Dublin and commented that it sure was windy in Ohio. We had to explain that it's really not very windy at all in Ohio it's just that Michigan sucks so badly.

    One day my housework-challenged husband decided to wash his sweatshirt.
    Seconds after he stepped into the laundry room, he shouted to me, "What
    setting do I use on the washing machine?" "It depends," I replied. "What
    does it say on your shirt?" He yelled back, "Go Michigan." "Use Hot
    Water , A box of Tide and Four Cups Bleach."

    Maybe you've heard, LLLoyd Carr has lost the playbook for the game this
    weekend... Unfortunately, he wasn't done coloring it yet.

    Bo Schembeckler died and went to heaven. St. Peter met him at the gate.
    "It is so great to have you here Coach." St. Peter leads Bo to a nice
    little 2 bedroom ranch home painted maize and blue. Upon entering, Bo
    finds the house decorated in Michigan colors with "M"'s all over. St.
    Peter leads Bo to the nice backyard with patio. Bo looks up on the high
    hill above his new home and sees a giant mansion all decked out in
    Scarlet and Gray and a big Block "O" flag flying on the flag pole. Bo
    turns to St. Peter and angerly asks: "Why in the heck does Woody get
    such a big house and I get this little ranch house??" "Oh," says St.
    Peter, "that is not Woody's house, that is God's house."

    Jake was dying. His wife, Becky, was maintaining a candlelight vigil by
    his side. She held his fragile hand, tears running down her face. Her
    praying roused him from his slumber. He looked up and his pale lips
    began to move slightly. "Becky my darling" he whispered. "Hush my love,"
    she said. "Rest, don't talk." He was insistent. "Becky," he said in his
    tired voice, "I have something that I must confess." "There's nothing to
    confess," replied the weeping Becky. "Every thing's all right, go to
    sleep." "No, no. I must die in peace, Becky. I...I have been a Michigan
    Fan all of my life!" "I know sweetheart," whispered Becky, "let the
    poison work."

    A Michigan grad sees an ad for a $99 cruise. He goes to the travel agent
    and pays the fee. The travel agent hits him over the head with a club,
    stuffs him in a sack, throws him out the window onto a raft and cuts the
    raft loose. The Michigan grad wakes up floating in the ocean, along with
    another Michigan graduate. "I hope they serve dinner on this cruise,"
    the first grad says. "They didn't last year," the second one replies.

  2. #2
    Who Dat is
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    huot5's Avatar
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    I hope you cut and pasted all this. They are friggin funny as he[[

  3. #3
    My other car is a GT500
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    LA_03HD's Avatar
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    Go Gators!

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