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Thread: Tools Explained

  1. #1
    Registered User
    Name: Wade

    44zoomer's Avatar
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    Tools Explained

    Tools Explained
    DRILL PRESS:
    A tall upright machine useful for suddenly snatching flat metal bar stock out of your hands so that it smacks you in the chest and flings your beer across the room, denting the freshly-painted project which you had carefully set in the corner where nothing could get to it.

    WIRE WHEEL:
    Cleans paint off bolts and then throws them somewhere under the workbench with the speed of light. Also removes fingerprints and hard-earned calluses from fingers in about the time it takes you to say, "OW"

    CIRCULAR SAW:
    A portable cutting tool used to make studs too short.

    PLIERS:
    Used to round off bolt heads. Sometimes used in the creation of blood-blisters.

    BELT SANDER:
    An electric sanding tool commonly used to convert minor touch-up jobs into major refinishing jobs.

    HACKSAW:
    One of a family of cutting tools built on the Ouija board principle. It transforms human energy into a crooked, unpredictable cuts, and the more you attempt to influence its course, the more dismal your future becomes.

    VISE GRIPS:
    Generally used after pliers to completely round off bolt heads.
    Versatile, they can also be used to transfer intense welding heat to the palm of your hand.

    OXYACETYLENE TORCH:
    Used almost entirely for lighting various flammable objects in your shop on fire. Also handy for igniting the grease inside the wheel hub out of which you want to remove a bearing race. Alternate use.. making high explosive sound out of balloons, trash bags, and Styrofoam cups.

    TABLE SAW:
    A large stationary power tool commonly used to launch wood projectiles for testing wall integrity.

    HYDRAULIC FLOOR JACK:
    Used for lowering an automobile to the ground trapping the jack handle firmly under the bumper.

    BAND SAW:
    A large stationary power saw primarily used by most shops to cut good aluminum sheet into smaller pieces that more easily fit into the trash can after you cut on the inside of the line instead of the outside edge.

    TWO-TON ENGINE HOIST:
    A tool for testing the maximum tensile strength of everything you forgot to disconnect

    PHILLIPS SCREWDRIVER:
    Normally used to stab the vacuum seals under lids or for opening old-style paper-and-tin oil cans and splashing oil on your shirt; but can also be used, as the name implies, to strip out Phillips screw heads.

    STRAIGHT SCREWDRIVER:
    A tool for opening paint cans. Sometimes used to convert common slotted screws into non-removable screws and butchering your palms.

    PRY BAR:
    A tool used to crumple and bend the surrounding metal on an expensive project.

    HOSE CUTTER:
    A tool used to make hosestoo short.

    HAMMER:
    Originally employed as a weapon of war, the hammer nowadays is used as a kind of divining rod to locate the most expensive parts - adjacent to the object you are trying to hit.

    UTILITY KNIFE:
    Used to open and slice through the contents of cardboard cartons delivered to your front door; works particularly well on contents such as seats, vinyl records, liquids in plastic bottles, collector magazines, refund checks, and rubber or plastic parts. Especially useful for removing blood from your fingers.

    SON OF A #*$!% TOOL:
    Any handy tool that you grab and throw across the garage while yelling, "Son of a #*$!%" at the top of your lungs. It is also, most often, the next tool that you will need.

    METRIC TOOLS:
    Are designed to double the number of sockets and wrenches in your tool box.

    SAE TOOLS:
    Are designed to round off bolt heads on metric fasteners.

    CHAIN SAW:
    A powerfulinspiring saw that is designed to " kick back "
    leaving a racing stripe on your forehead.

    VOLTMETER:
    A device that is used measure the amount of current, before you receive voltage through your body.

    JUMPER CABLES:
    Thick heavy cables with clamps to remove the smoke from an alternator.

    AIR IMPACT WRENCH:
    A tool used to permanently install lug nuts on a vehicle.
    Sometimes used to seat oil drain plugs.

  2. #2
    *SOLD - but not forgotten
    Name: Chuck NHTOC #291

    cayman150's Avatar
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    Too true & oh so funny!

  3. #3
    Here Hemi...Hemi...Hemi!!
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    I know this is old but so funny, needs to come back into the spotlight.

  4. #4
    2002 DSG #2788
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    I just blew coffee through my nose repeatedly. Man I needed a good laugh at 5 o'clock in the morning on the last Monday of this week. Unfortunately I have much experience with all of the aforementioned tools. I wish I could meet alot of the members here cuz we are all alike. Ya'll have a good easter weekend.

  5. #5
    Here Hemi, Hemi, Hemi...
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    Much like fx...I think we are all in the same boat...or Harley as it is... I would also have to agree with the "son of a $%&*^" tool...any yes, it is generally the tool you would need next.

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