How to tell if you're gay:

1. If you are over 30 and you have a washboard stomach, you are gay. It
means you haven't sucked back enough beer with the boys and rather
you've been sucking-off the boys and have spent the rest of your free
time doing sit-ups, aerobics, and doing the Oprah diet.
2. If you have a cat, you are a Flaaaayming fag. A cat is like a dog,
but gay: it grooms itself constantly but never scratches itself, has
a delicate touch except when it uses its nails, and whines to be fed.
And just think about how you call a dog..."Killer, come here! I said
get your azz over here!" Now think about how you call a
cat..."Bun-bun, come to daddy, snookums!" Jeeezus, you're fit to be
framed, you're so gay.
3. If you suck on lolipops, Ring-Pops, baby-pacifiers, or any such
nonsense, rest assured, you are a Gaylord. A straight man only sucks
bar-b-q ribs, crab-claws, raw oysters, craw-fish guts, pickled pigs
feet, or ti++ies. Anything else and you are in training to suck El
Dicko and undeniably a fag.
4. If you refuse to take a dump in a public bathroom or piss in a
parking lot, you're in a deep homosexual relationship. A man's world
is his bathroom, he defecates and urinates where he pleases.
5. If you drink decaf coffee with skim milk, you like a high hard one in
the poop-chute. Coffee is to be had strong, black (or with thick,
wholesome milk) and full-aroma. A 'tang-eating man will never be
heard ordering a "Decaf Cafe Latte with Skim" and he will never,
ever know what artificial sweetner tastes like. If you've had
Nutrasweet in your mouth, you've had a **** there too.
6. If you know more than six names of colors or four different types of
dessert, you might as well be handing out free passes to your ***. A
real man doesn't have memory space in his brain to remember all of
that crap as well as all the names of all the players in the Major
league, NFL, NBA, college ball, PGA, and Nascar. If you can pick out
chartreusse or you know what a "fresier" is you're gay. And if you
can name ANY type of textile other than denim, you are faggadocious!
7. If you drive with both hands on the wheel, forget it...you hungry for
meat-popsicle. A man only puts both hands on the wheel to honk at a
slow-azz driver or to cut the sumbiotch off. The rest of the time
he needs that hand to change the radio station, eat his hamburger,
hold his beer, grab the bi-atch in the passenger seat (whoever she
happens to be), or, if he's Latino, talk on his cell-phone.
8. If you enjoy romantic comedies or French films, mon-frere, vous
sonnez le Gay, oui? The only time it is acceptable to watch one of
those is with a woman who knows how to reward her man. Watching any
of the above films by yourself or with another man is likely to
result in SHC (spontaneous homosexual combustion), which is what
happens to fags when they flame out too quickly.

So follow the rules and beware...or keep that shi+ to yourself, faggo.